decisions, decisions

so, this past year and a half has been the craziest. ever.
i am so grateful for the gospel and that i have a loving Heavenly Father.

for all my readers, and people who know me personally, you know that i was supposed to go on a mission last year. i got my call in february and then i made the decision that i shouldnt go.

it took a lot of praying and many, many trips to the temple to figure that out. and i was not happy about it. i was ready to go. i spent months preparing and learning so much. i knew i needed to listen to my promptings and do what i felt the lord was telling me to.

a week or so later i met hamilton, who i'm now married to. and a little over a month later, on the day i was supposed to fly to australia, my father passed away.

if i would have gone on my mission, i would have been so far away and since its two days of travel, i would've missed my dads funeral. i was so close with him and this was/is probably one of the most difficult things i've had to/am still dealing with.

i know that i was supposed to stay home and not go on my mission so i could be here with my family during this difficult time. it was important for me to spend those months preparing and learning so much about the gospel as well as myself.

 just doin his favorite thing

so much love. our last picture together before he passed two months later.
rest easy daddy. june 30, 2014.

i am still realizing why it was important for me to stay home. 

so many things have happened other than my dad passing. 

my mom, nephews, hamilton, and i all went to michigan in december.
hamilton proposed to me in january. 
i was going to college.
working.
doing my best to do all the things i needed to.
i became financially independent.
planned my wedding.

it doesnt seem like a lot, but it was probably the most hectic, awful, yet amazing year.
in the midst of all these things may 22nd hit.
it's an emotional day for my family to begin with. my oldest brother, Satch, passed away in 2003. he was in a fatal car accident. and may 22nd is his birthday. so it's always a bit of a gloomy day.

i was at hamilton's house. sitting on the couch with his mom, him, and the little girl his mom watches. i get a call from my mom saying that my brother was in the hospital and she doesnt know whats wrong, but shes on her way now and to say a prayer. 
 my stomach dropped. i had the biggest pit in my stomach and i knew something bad happened.
i get a call probably a half hour later from my mom. she just said that my brother Sam had passed. i had no idea what to even say. it was such a shock to me. all i said to her was "okay, im on my way home."

i got up and went into hamiltons room. i had a lot of clothes at his house so i just started packing. mindlessly. 
hamilton comes in and asks me what happened. aware of the call i had with my mom saying he was in the hospital, so i just shook my head. 
it was friday which means i was supposed to be working and so was he. 
he called both of our works and we went on our way to bradenton. 

my brother was such a gentle soul. he was so loving and kind and had a heart of gold. 
after our dad passed, he told hamilton that he felt like he needed to be a father-figure. and he was, all my brothers are. 

 like father like son haha

 christmas morning is obviously really rough

i love my family so much and i feel like it keeps getting smaller. it is so sad and seems so unfair.

i know that there is a bigger plan. and who knows why things happen. all i know is that i am so grateful that i listened to those promptings over a year ago. if i hadnt, i wouldve been in australia during all these things and i know i wouldve had such a hard time. 

there have been some awful things that happened, but i know that im stronger and my heart is sad, but its so full of wonderful memories, and i feel like i have more love and understanding in my heart and mind than ever before. 

and less than a month later i married hamilton aaron birkeland. it was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. my heart was heavy because the most important people in my life, the ones who taught me the most, my dad and brother werent able to be there to celebrate this joyous day with me and the rest of my family. 

 i had to honor those who couldnt be there

my life has been so full and amazing so far. i know that bad things have happened, and they dont seem fair sometimes. but i try to stay positive because i know ill be with my family again one day. it wont be soon and the journey there will not be easy, but itll be worth it. 


xoxo

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marriage

june 18, 2015. the best day. the start of forever. the day 'i' becomes 'we.'

that was the day i married my best friend. i dont think my cheeks have ever hurt so much..from how much i was smiling. we're such goofs and in the sealing room we kept everyone entertained with our silly faces and my shuffling around. it isnt that we weren't taking it seriously, we were just so excited and that's how we act when we're excited!

the day before, my amazing friends took me to a super nice hotel for a spa day. it was so amazing and relaxing and just what the doctor ordered. later on we went to mackenzie's house and watched legally blonde. we all went to sleep later on and then when i woke up, it was time to get married!

so i headed on over to hamilton's parents house. we ate a little and i met some family, and then we headed off to the temple.

it was finally time for us to be sealed for time and all eternity. i thought i was in love before, but i have never felt more intense emotion than when we were in that room across from each other. my heart was so full and it was so amazing. his smile just melted my and the kisses were just a million times sweeter.

that day will forever be my favorite, im sure once i have children those days will be amazing also, but it all started here.

this one is probably one of my faves haha

xoxo, mrs. birkeland

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#overit

this whole wedding planning thing is really starting to get to me...
i am so in love with hamilton, and i'm getting overwhelmed and stressed with everything. causing me to be a bit on edge...
he's really been so good to me through all of this though!

if we could, we would just go to the temple tomorrow to get sealed, butttttt it's kind of important that family and such can attend and be there with us, so we will not be doing that.
there is just so much planning and small, minor details that dont even matter, but they are supposed to be done. and i love small details, but when planning on my own, they get a little old.

i am so grateful for my friends. they help me stay on track and tell me when i'm being tooo crazy or lax with some of my ideas, and that is greatly appreciated.
i am especially grateful for hamilton. he is so loving and so wonderful. he really has no opinion about half of this stuff, and that can get a little frustrating. but why should he care about what our cake stand looks like? i barely even care...
anyways. i'm just a little over planning this wedding.

the crafting is pretty fun though. i feel like i'll be ready to craft and diy my babies room's like a pro now..i'll be a true diy mormon momma...one day (sorry chelly girl)


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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roses and butterflies

the idea of getting married is wonderful! the thought of sharing your life with someone else is great! it seems like it would or should be a breeze and so simple to merge two lives together!

getting engaged is a huge rush and leaves you completely awestruck! wedding planning..that's a different story! it really isn't too bad, there are just so many little details that are easy to forget about. it's awesome to have someone by my side who can deal with my mood swings and semi bridezilla moments! 

getting married is not a piece of cake, it's a lot of hard work. trying to figure out things like where to live and, for us, where to go to school, is difficult!

we've gone from staying in orlando, to moving to idaho, to moving to utah, to wanting to say "forget it all," and move to hawaii, to going back to staying in orlando, and now we've got it down to staying in florida, but we don't know where in florida..

and now that we've at least got that much figured out, we have to start figuring out our apartment situation...

we're definitely learning what it takes to be married and happy. there are a few things that have really worked for us so far..

1. communication

this one is really easy for hamilton, not so much for me. he is so honest with how he feels and what he believes will make him happy. i'm honest about those things, but it's like pulling teeth trying to get it out of me! he's a trooper though. he helps me all that he can.

2. weekly date night

thursday night is date night. it's the one night a week we have to put our problems and stress aside and focus on each other. sometimes our dates fall through and we settle for just watching some netflix, which is still just fine! and sometimes work or school gets in the way of our date night, but when that happens we try to reschedule it for another day and if we cant, we try to just watch a movie or do something small.

3. serve each other

hamilton will do anything i ask. he rarely ever complains. i ask for back rubs allllll the time. i ask him to get me water, and he always gets it for me, even if he just sat down and got all comfortable. never a complain. i try to do the same for him. the back scratches, the little errands and favors. bringing him his keys when he gets locked out of his car. whatever the other person needs, we are always there.

4. love unconditionally and always
this seems easy and like something that should be a given, especially if you're going to marry this person! but in the heat of a moment or during arguments it can be easy to forget those feelings. if it feels like one is doing more work than the other, then it could get in the way and feelings of resentment and anger and bitterness could start coming up. it's kind of inevitable that those feelings will come up at some point and that one will do more work than the other at some point in time; but, it's important to let go of that and go back up to #1 and communicate about how you're feeling. we don't expect too much of each other and we don't have unrealistic expectations (or we're trying not to).

5. having "safe" words
this may seem kind of silly, but it works. it's something new that we're doing. when we're arguing and things get too heated and we start to speak out of anger, we say our word and we have to stop. it seems like maybe things wont get resolved this way, but it gives us each time to cool down and think rationally again. then we revisit whatever it was we were upset about and try to work it out more calmly.


getting married is wonderful, the idea of it seems perfect, but it isn't. it can be hard work sometimes. merging together two lives takes a little work and some patience. these things have really been able to help us and i have so much confidence in our relationship. i know that we will argue at times and we will get frustrated but we love each other. we know how we work and we know what we need to do to calm things down and work through the tough times.
there are plenty of roses and butterflies in marriage, there are some storms and clouds, but there is always a rainbow after the rain.
we don't fight or argue a lot, but after we do and we make up, i always fall even more in love with him.

being engaged is hard because i'm ready to just be married - no other reason. marriage is exciting and i can't wait to begin this new chapter of my life as a birkeland!

only 63 more days until eternity!

xoxo

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engaged!

january 18, 2015. oh that cherished day. the day that marks the day i promised to marry the love of my life. the day that starts it all.

it was a sunday. sundays are pretty much always great. it had been a little bit of a rough week for us. we hadn't been fighting, but there were some hurt feelings. thursday night is date night and so the thursday before we did something, then our plan was to go light off the lanterns. it was raining so we waiting until it stopped. he was acting super lovey. not in a bad way at all, it was suspicious is all. to be honest i thought he was going to propose that night.
we start driving and all these emotions come out and we're talking about our worries and fears. it was good that we had that talk, it just wasn't expected and there were a few things said that maybe shouldn't have been. so after that we were both trying to be nice but also talk about anything that may have hurt the other person. 
we had worked through that little bump and it was a good growing experience for us. 

i decided that we needed to do something fun and sweet so i suggest that we go light off the lanterns. he said that we definitely should but we should go somewhere else this time (we had done it once before). i agreed. we made the plan to go light off the lanterns and bring blankets to watch the stars after. we had everything we needed in the car already. it was already dark when we made these plans and were pretty close to the park where we would light off the lanterns. but he insisted that he needed to go home to get something. i didn't argue, he was driving so if he wanted to drive to the other side of town to drive right back again, that was up to him! 
we get to his house and he gets a jacket. in my head i'm thinking that he's being a weirdo. 
next thing i know, we're on our way. he kept messing with his pocket on the way there. interesting...
we pull into the parking lot and there are a few cars there. 
it isn't really a park. its on the water and you have to walk through the woods to get there, but there is an empty field on the other side, no one really goes over there. 
so we grab the blankets, lanterns, and whatever else we needed and walked on over. we walk so that we aren't too close to the parking lot and so that the headlights wouldn't be shining in our faces if people were to come or go. 
we lay out the blankets and get the lanterns ready. he said he wanted to light his off first, so i hold his lantern while he lights it. i accidentally tore a hole in his, so we had to make sure that it actually flew away and didn't fall to the ground a start a fire haha. it didn't, so we're good! then he holds my lantern while i light it off. we just stood there for awhile hugging and watching them fly away. we stood there until we couldn't see them anymore. we didn't say a whole lot. he said, "you're perfect." and then we just looked at each other for a little bit. we kissed and he said, "hey jackie, guess what?!"
now, that is something he always says before he's going to fart. so i got a little annoyed and just said, "what?"
and he literally jumped down onto one knee and said, "will you marry me?"
i start smiling and laughing a little. i obviously said yes! 
that's my man, always keeping me on my toes haha.
so after that we just laid there. he said we weren't allowed to leave until one of us saw a shooting star. we ended up seeing 3 that night. we laid there for an hour or maybe more. it was so nice and i just couldn't stop smiling the whole time.

he had talked to my mom a few weeks earlier to ask her permission, so i called her right when we got to the car and told her! then i texted all my brothers and aunts and friends. not everyone was as excited as i was. they think i'm too young and throwing away my youth. i know that this is the right decision. i love hamilton more than i could ever explain and i know what it's like to think your going to marry someone. that isn't what i'm feeling. i've spent time with my Heavenly Father in prayer to find out if this is truly what he wants for me, and i've gotten my answer. i may be young, but i know what i want and i know that what i am doing is right for me.

i can't wait to be mrs. birkeland. it's so exciting and wonderful! june 18, 2015 can't come soon enough!

i love him more and more each day. we may annoy each other sometimes, but despite that, we work through it. he comforts me when i need it, and i comfort him when he does. we're there for each other.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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the beginning

the very first time i met hamilton was at a ysa dance, probably a year and a half or so ago, i got dragged there by a friend. my friend chelsea was talking to some boy. she introduced me to him and his brother, one was hamilton and the other was harrison. i said hello and just kind of stood there while they talked because hamilton wouldn't even look twice at me. which at the time i was totally fine with (i was engaged to someone else).
i didn't think anything of it. and he doesn't even remember it.
the next time we met was at a ysa scavenger hunt at the mall. i rode there with a couple friends and we got there a little late, everyone already had their groups. we, of course, got split up. one of the girls ended up being in hamilton's group, i tried to leave my group and go to theirs, but the guy in charge had already written my name. after the scavenger hunt we all met in the food court to see who won. then we were going to get ice cream. i went over to talk to my friend and i remember not being in the best mood. hamilton was standing with us and i guess i gave him a little too much attitude because he decided to leave and not get ice cream with everyone. he said, "this girl is givin me bad vibes." directed at me. he says that he did not like me at all. he thought i was mean and rude. 
i don't entirely remember this encounter, but i vaguely remember being in a bad mood and him being in the circle as we were talking. again, i was still engaged to someone else, so i didn't think much of it at all.
now the third time we met was at a mutual friends house. our friend was leaving to go on his mission so he had some friends over a few weeks before he left. there was probably 5-7 of us. we all sat outside in a little circle. it was almost like musical chairs because every time someone would get up, someone would take their seat. this was in late february or early march. there were these teeny tiny rocks that everyone kept throwing at each other, and we would crush up leaves and throw those at each other also. we were, at least i was, definitely being a little flirty, i made sure to throw some his way (just like we all used to do in preschool and kindergarden). the person that was sitting by hamilton got up, so i moved over next to him. i don't remember what we talked about, but i do remember really enjoying that conversation. i remember laughing and thinking that he was a pretty cool kid. and i wasn't engaged anymore.
he wasn't at our friends farewell party, and i didn't see him for awhile so i kind of forgot about that little encounter we had. 
after this time, he changed his mind and decided that he liked me.
the final time we "met" (i'm not sure how many times you can meet someone and still consider it "meeting") was in church one sunday. it was in june, i believe it was june 8th. i'm not entirely sure but i remember meeting him a few weeks before my dad died. which was a very good thing. i don't think i would have been open to a relationship if i had met him after, i also think i would've relied on him far too much for my happiness. plus it gave me more time to date other people after breaking off my engagement. i needed a little time to adjust and live life without a boy in my life.
anyways, we met one sunday in early june. i was with my friend chelsea, who happened to also be his friend, so we walked over to him so she could say hello. we immediately hit it off. we talked so much and i knew right away that i wanted to be with him. it wasn't one of those "oh, you're cute and funny so i like you" kind of things, it was much different. i'm not sure why i felt that way or how i knew right off the bat, but i did. 
it took him a little longer to figure it out, but that's okay.
during 2nd hour that day he looked at me and asked, "did you get my text?"
"no, i don't have your number?" i replied, confused. this was the first time we had really connected.
"oh, well you should." clever. i laughed it was probably the only decent pick up line i've ever heard haha. so i gave him my number and we talked a few times during the week. 
and that is how we "met."

the following sunday was father's day, i went home to bradenton for the weekend. so we didn't see each other.
the sunday after that we were at church. he got there late so i didn't see him until after sacrament. we sat together during sunday school again. talking up a storm, probably being super disruptive. oh well. on that day all my friends asked if we were dating, or if we were going to start dating. two friends said that we would definitely get married. i didn't think a whole lot of it, girls say that about almost all the people you date. but i knew i wanted to be with him.
after church chelsea and i decided to go watch a movie at my place. we invited two of our other friends, and i suggested we invite hamilton. she said sure! so i did. we all went to my place and watched a movie. i tried to save a spot next to me so that he could sit by me, but someone else decided to sit there. i may have been a little bitter about that. but that's okay, i'm over it now haha.
it was a lot of fun, we just hung out. 
my mom called during the movie and told me that i needed to come to town as soon as i could, because my dad was very sick. i was taking a summer class, so i told her i would leave as soon as it ended on monday so i don't miss a whole week of work. she said that was fine.
i didn't think a whole lot about it, it scared me, but i was having fun with my friends.

my dad died the next day. i was gone for a week, but i was at church the next sunday. i had a lot of people calling and texting me. it was nice that there were so many people willing to help and make me feel better. hamilton didn't text me though. i didn't notice a whole lot though.

after that we hung out more and more. i convinced him to come to a thing at ucf with the missionaries. he didn't want to go, but he did. him, chelsea, and i all went together. afterwards we took chelsea's car to checkers (she was hungry and that's what she wanted),  we all sat in her car talking for about an hour or so. then hamilton and i left (we drove there together). we talked the whole way home, about random things. then we talked about how tired we both were. but we stayed in the car for probably another 2 hours. we were there until midnight or so. he apologized to me for not texting me or asking me how i was doing after my dad died. he was with me the sunday after it happened so he knew that everyone was asking how i was and if i needed anything. he said that he figured i was tired of talking about it and hearing the same things, so he didn't want to bring it up and say the things that everyone else was saying. it makes sense and i wasn't mad at him in the first place so it was okay, and i appreciated that he didn't ask me the same things everyone else did. 
we talked about my family and his. some of his adventures. he told me about how he climbed the ucf billboard with a friend a few times. i told him about how i've always wanted to climb a billboard. so he said, well let's go then! i drove us back to ucf and he told me where to park. 
we walked over and as we were walking he said, "okay, so what's our story if a cop asks what we're doing?" 
"uhh, i don't know? we're just going for a walk?" i replied.
"we're going on a romantic walk in the middle of the night. we're dating." (he said something like that haha).
i think my heart skipped a beat when he said that. no one stopped us though. when we got there, i looked up and the ladder starts a few feet taller than i can jump, so he lifted me up to the ladder. we climbed up to the very top. there are these little beams that go up a little higher to hold up the score board. so i climbed up to that beam and laid down there. he looked at me like i was crazy and even told me i was crazy haha. it wasn't scary though, it was a lot of fun. he eventually followed me and laid down next to me. we continued talking about all sorts of things. we have so much in common, yet we're so different. it's a good thing though. there was a moment when we were just looking at each other, into each other's eyes. i would've bet you anything that he was going to kiss me right then and there. he didn't though. which was okay. i may have been a little confused after because i was almost positive he liked me too. 
we were probably up there for 2 hours. by the time we got back to my place and he got in his car to leave, it was just after 3am. we had been talking for 5 +/- hours. it didn't feel like that long at all!
after that night i knew i would marry him.

fast forward a little bit. we had gone on a few other dates. movies, food, etc. during the month of july we hung out a lot. we hung out at his house a lot and would just watch netflix movies.
the first time he kissed me, we were at his house. it was late, probably 11 or so (it was usually a little later when we'd hang out because it was the only spare time we had). we were probably 30 minutes into a movie when i knew he was looking at me, so i turned my head to look at him. i hate eye contact so i turned my head shortly after. he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek! i had never had a first kiss that was on the cheek before, that meant a lot to me and showed me that he respected me. 

soon july was over and it was august. i was starting to wonder a little bit if this was just a fling to him or if it was going to be the real deal to him. i knew what i wanted.
we were driving around one night because he had to go drop something off to a friend and on our way back he took a detour and drove all around his neighborhood. he told me everything that he had done in the past and told me his mistakes and anything that he though might effect how i feel about him. it didn't change anything and i told him my mistakes. i know he's not perfect and neither am i. i especially can't judge him when i've made similar mistakes.
if anything having that conversation made our bond stronger. i knew that it wasn't just a fling to him after that.

on august 4th we were at his house again, watching a movie. i told him about how a guy wanted to date me, so he called someone i was friends with to ask what the deal was and my friend told him, "she's basically with hamilton now, so it isn't really worth trying."
after i told him, he laughed and said something clever like, "since we're basically together, do you want to make it official?"
i obviously said yes! i had only been waiting weeks for him to ask!

and that is how it all started. we had a little bit of a rocky start, but that's okay! it was fun and i'm glad that we connected when we did, instead of earlier or later.
thinking back on where i was in my life when we first met, we probably would've never started dating in the first place. 
the time we talked at our friends house wouldn't have done much either. he went to louisiana fairly soon after and would've been gone for 2 or so months. plus i knew that i needed to date different people and not be with anyone for a little while. 
there are so many things that helped us get together that there's no way it was coincidence. he never went to the ysa ward, but decided that he would go that particular sunday in june. he also didn't like me the first time he met me. 
i think we both had some shenanigans that we needed to get out of our systems and it was a very good thing that we did it before we started dating.
and if it would've been any later, it would've been after my dad died and i don't think i would've opened my heart to anyone new for a long time. he's such a catch and such a great guy that he would've gotten snatched up.

i love him so much and he really means the world to me. we've come so far from that sunday in june. i know that he is the one i am going to marry and i can't wait to start our life together!

he almost had to drag me to this dance. it was fun though!

isn't he just the best lookin guy out there? 

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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catch up

alright. it's been a little while..okay, maybe a little longer than that.
there's just been so much going on. and there probably aren't very many of you out there that wait for my posts haha.
anyways, life's been a little crazy since i last posted. and i'm really not even sure where to start!
let's start with what's happened since my last post.
so i left off in november. i'll just skip ahead to december. it was christmas and it was the first christmas without my dad and the first christmas with hamilton. it was a little bittersweet and it's hard to really decipher what emotions i was feeling. we (my mom, sammy, vinnie, hamilton, and i) went to michigan for the holiday and it was very nice.
i love spending time with my family and i am so glad hamilton got to meet more of my family. my brother, john, lives there with his family (becca, his wife, jami, grace, and scarlet, his 3 girls). i'm closest with john, so it was important that hamilton met him.

plus we went skiing and we totally rocked at it. it's going to be our secret hobby haha.
here are some little tidbits of other things we did.

we went to disney and saw the osborn lights. it's probably one of my favorite things to do during the holidays. i just love seeing all the christmas lights! plus they have some that dance to the music. it's just so fun and really puts me in the christmas spirit! maybe it'll be our own little tradition.

we went to the nutcracker. we went to the one that is in bradenton, put on my the bradenton ballet repertory. it's the company i was in for many years. it was fun to see everyone and see the changes too.

weddddiiinnngggssss. are so fun. we got to go to our friends wedding and it was so cute! it was so fun and i love seeing the happy couple :) plus weddings make me soooo excited! ;)

january was one heck of a month! school started and i was back at work. there was a lot to do after a nice two week break from it all. i was originally signed up for 5 classes (that's how many i took last semester and did pretty well) and ended up dropping 2, so i'm only taking 3 classes now. which is okay. it was probably for the best because this semester is going to be a crazy one! 
on january 18th, hamilton proposed!!!! i am so excited about that! i can't wait to marry this man of mine. he is so wonderful and good to me.  (don't worry, i'll post a gushy, lovey post later)
then on the 19th we had a little celebratory lunch with some friends. 
i also found out i had to move out of my place by february 8th, so i was in a bit of a pinch to find a new place. 
i had a bunch of idea that all fell through, then a very nice lady in hamilton's parents ward offered me one of her spare bedrooms. and that worked out perfectly! 

can't wait to marry him!
now that you're all caught up, i'll try to post more regularly! it's good for me to do that anyways :)


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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