lately

i've been thinking a lot lately..uh oh..and i am just so thankful for the gospel. my life has hit quite a few big bumps in the last year. if i didn't have the gospel i don't know what would have happened or how i would have reacted.
i know that having the knowledge i do and especially being able to go to the temple helps me so much. there are a few times where i know i would have strayed from the straight and narrow, and i would've strayed far. if i wasn't temple worthy, i can guarantee that i would have done those things, but knowing that i could go to the Lord's house at anytime is what saved me from doing those things. it was a personal struggle on top of all the other things that were going on. i am just so grateful for my friends both the ones who are members and the ones who aren't. i can honestly say that i don't know where i would be without them.
lately i feel like i'm coming undone. i don't know why or what triggered it. i've been so happy and grateful. but recently i just am not feeling that way. i'm more emotionally unstable and my eating problems are coming back, not too much, but they're there. i haven't had those problems in almost a year. i don't know what is triggering these feelings and thoughts, but i just know that i have to push through. i make sure to tell someone, so obviously i decided to tell hamilton and he doesn't really know what to do, but he knows, so he can talk to me about it and see how i'm really doing.
the gospel can help us overcome anything and everything. i know that these trials and hard times are tests. it is Heavenly Father's way of testing me and telling me that i need to do some growing. i can't get lazy with scripture study and daily prayer. which i most definitely have lately. that's the way it works. as soon as i stop doing what i need to be doing, i hit a trial, hard. not always, sometimes i hit trials when i'm doing everything i need to and when i'm trying my best. but Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. His plan is always the best. and trials just happen to be part of that plan.
sometimes i just feel like i don't know what to do or where to start to try and feel better. i don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel better, and i don't think i've ever really done that. i try to be independent, too independent. i shut down from everyone around me and don't talk to anyone and it's bad for me but also for my relationships. i get scared i don't want my problems to be belittled or get told that they're stupid. i'm scared of getting hurt. but i know it's an irrational fear, most of the time. i need to let go of that and talk to people. i hurt myself by bottling everything up.

but anyways, i am so happy that this church is true, i know that it is! and it is not a place for perfect people, it is for imperfect people trying to better themselves. no one is perfect but we are trying and that's what is important. i am so happy to have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me more than i could ever comprehend no matter what mistakes i may make. and i am so grateful and happy to have Jesus Christ as my savior. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to repent and be forgiven. i wouldn't be able to live with Heavenly Father again after this life.
i am so happy and grateful for the church leaders that help me and are so willing to do anything to help me with anything that may be going on.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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Gone Girl

if you are looking for a crazzzyyyy good book that will keep you guessing the entire time, than look no further than Gone Girl! 
it was probably one of the best books i've read in a really long time. i kept thinking i knew what would happen next, but i had no clue. this book had my mind racing and i couldn't put it down. 
it made me mad, happy, sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions.

after reading a few mediocre books, i kinda gave up on finding a new, great book for awhile. but then i decided to pick up this little black book and am so happy i did. Gillian Flynn knows how to keep you guessing and wanting more. 
it is a cunning tale of a man and woman. on their five year wedding anniversary, the wife goes missing and no one can seem to figure out what happened. then, naturally, the fingers start to point back to the husband...and the rest, i wouldn't dare to reveal! you'll just have to read it for yourself.

once you pick it up and start reading you won't be able to put it down. i promise you that much.
so go ahead and get to readin!


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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currently...

currently - supposed to be writing my humanities essay/project. that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. when's it due? tomorrow in class. will i have time to finish it by then? sure, if i don't sleep. i have work at 5, so i may just skip the sleeping thing tonight. i don't know why, i just can't seem to focus. oh well.

yesterday was my dad's birthday. he would have been 65. i woke up at 9 to get ready for my yoga class. it kind of slipped my mind, until i was in the car driving to campus. it takes me about 35 minutes to get there, so that gives me plenty of thinking time. by the time i got there, i was just not very happy. it was the first real event that happened since he has been gone.
and if you've ever taken a yoga class, you know that the last 5-10 minutes is just straight meditating and time for deep thought.
my teacher is very spiritual and talks to us during meditation and it just brings out so many emotions. i remember laying on my mat. on my back. arms at my sides. palms up. shoulders down. deep breathing. all these thoughts were popping into my mind and i may have had a few tears roll down my cheeks. i just remember thinking i couldn't do it. i couldn't go to my other classes. i couldn't get through this day. i just had to go home and stay in bed all day. that's all i could imagine doing. but the word can't isn't allowed in yoga either. so i pushed those thoughts out of my mind and started telling myself that i could. i am strong, i can get through this. it's okay to struggle. it's going to be hard. i miss him. and it's hard. there's nothing that can make it any easier. but that's okay. it's okay. i'm allowed to have a hard time.
so all this was going through my mind while i was laying there. then my mind just went blank. i stopped thinking all together. it was the strangest, most comforting thing ever. i didn't know what happened but i knew that by telling myself i could do it, i was given the strength to do so.
i went to all my classes, and it wasn't the easiest day. it was really hard actually. but i got through it.
i went to hamilton's after and he had freshly baked cookies, one in the shape of a J waiting for me on the counter. he knew it was a hard day and wanted to do what he could to help. < little did he know that i was going to ask if we could make cookies. it's like he read my mind  > anyways, i stayed and had dinner with him and his family, and then we had fhe all together. i was grumpy and got a little fussy with him during it. but he handled it like a champ, and for that. i am just so grateful.

i feel so blessed for the people i have in my life. my friends are so wonderful to me. they do what they can to make sure i'm okay. hamilton is so great and i feel so blessed to have him. he makes me want to be the best i can be and he really just helps me so much more than he will ever know. and my family. they are my support and i know they are always there for me to lean on. i am so grateful for each person in my life and don't know what i would do without them!

 i just love him so :)

 doesn't he look like the happiest man you've ever met? that's because he was. always.

and today is my hippie parents anniversary. 36 years. the love they shared was so amazing. it is something i pray to have with the person i marry. they have had some of the hardest trials, but have always put their marriage first and gotten through everything together. they were a single unit and i will always strive to be like them.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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n e w

it was definitely time for a much overdue change. 
i deleted my old Facebook and made an entirely new one. 
why?
cuzzzz, out with the old and in with the new!
but forrealzzzzz...
because, my life has gone through so many changes and i felt like i really just needed a clean slate. there isn't much to it besides that. 
i wanted a way to get rid of all that negative crap that pops up, a way to unfriend those people who just bring me down, and a way to get all the photos of my past that just bring back bad memories. and that seemed like the simplest and best way to do so. 
and so, that's exactly what i did. and i'll tell ya what, i feel so much better now. 

i feel like i just uncluttered a shelf of my brain, which feels amazing. it's hard to describe and seems like such a small, stupid thing. but it made me feel better and that's what counts. 
so hey, i don't care what anyone else says.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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hello again

i don't really know why i stopped blogging...or writing at all.
it has always been my outlet and my way of dealing with stress.
whatever, i'll get back into it i'm sure. i hope..

everything just seems to escalate sometimes. 
i'll be doing really well, and all the sudden..boom! it hits me all at once.
like school. when the semester started, i threw myself into my classes much more than i ever had before. and now, i'm starting to fade.
but, i can't. i need to keep it up and keep doing all the things i have been. 
my dad's death definitely effected me. i needed something to put all my time and effort in, and that was school. i worked harder than i ever had before and pushed myself way harder than usual. 
and now, i'm just starting to really feel it. 
gotta make him proud, so i gotta just push on through it.

i just feel like everything is crashing down sometimes, and i need someone to help me hold it all up in place. 
hamilton does that though, he helps keep me stay focused on what's really important. he doesn't let me stay too stressed, and when i do get stressed, he makes sure to keep my mind off everything. and i don't think he realizes how grateful i am for that! 

this post really isn't going anywhere..it's just me getting started again, i guess...


xoxo,

jacquelyn 

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