decisions, decisions

so, this past year and a half has been the craziest. ever.
i am so grateful for the gospel and that i have a loving Heavenly Father.

for all my readers, and people who know me personally, you know that i was supposed to go on a mission last year. i got my call in february and then i made the decision that i shouldnt go.

it took a lot of praying and many, many trips to the temple to figure that out. and i was not happy about it. i was ready to go. i spent months preparing and learning so much. i knew i needed to listen to my promptings and do what i felt the lord was telling me to.

a week or so later i met hamilton, who i'm now married to. and a little over a month later, on the day i was supposed to fly to australia, my father passed away.

if i would have gone on my mission, i would have been so far away and since its two days of travel, i would've missed my dads funeral. i was so close with him and this was/is probably one of the most difficult things i've had to/am still dealing with.

i know that i was supposed to stay home and not go on my mission so i could be here with my family during this difficult time. it was important for me to spend those months preparing and learning so much about the gospel as well as myself.

 just doin his favorite thing

so much love. our last picture together before he passed two months later.
rest easy daddy. june 30, 2014.

i am still realizing why it was important for me to stay home. 

so many things have happened other than my dad passing. 

my mom, nephews, hamilton, and i all went to michigan in december.
hamilton proposed to me in january. 
i was going to college.
working.
doing my best to do all the things i needed to.
i became financially independent.
planned my wedding.

it doesnt seem like a lot, but it was probably the most hectic, awful, yet amazing year.
in the midst of all these things may 22nd hit.
it's an emotional day for my family to begin with. my oldest brother, Satch, passed away in 2003. he was in a fatal car accident. and may 22nd is his birthday. so it's always a bit of a gloomy day.

i was at hamilton's house. sitting on the couch with his mom, him, and the little girl his mom watches. i get a call from my mom saying that my brother was in the hospital and she doesnt know whats wrong, but shes on her way now and to say a prayer. 
 my stomach dropped. i had the biggest pit in my stomach and i knew something bad happened.
i get a call probably a half hour later from my mom. she just said that my brother Sam had passed. i had no idea what to even say. it was such a shock to me. all i said to her was "okay, im on my way home."

i got up and went into hamiltons room. i had a lot of clothes at his house so i just started packing. mindlessly. 
hamilton comes in and asks me what happened. aware of the call i had with my mom saying he was in the hospital, so i just shook my head. 
it was friday which means i was supposed to be working and so was he. 
he called both of our works and we went on our way to bradenton. 

my brother was such a gentle soul. he was so loving and kind and had a heart of gold. 
after our dad passed, he told hamilton that he felt like he needed to be a father-figure. and he was, all my brothers are. 

 like father like son haha

 christmas morning is obviously really rough

i love my family so much and i feel like it keeps getting smaller. it is so sad and seems so unfair.

i know that there is a bigger plan. and who knows why things happen. all i know is that i am so grateful that i listened to those promptings over a year ago. if i hadnt, i wouldve been in australia during all these things and i know i wouldve had such a hard time. 

there have been some awful things that happened, but i know that im stronger and my heart is sad, but its so full of wonderful memories, and i feel like i have more love and understanding in my heart and mind than ever before. 

and less than a month later i married hamilton aaron birkeland. it was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. my heart was heavy because the most important people in my life, the ones who taught me the most, my dad and brother werent able to be there to celebrate this joyous day with me and the rest of my family. 

 i had to honor those who couldnt be there

my life has been so full and amazing so far. i know that bad things have happened, and they dont seem fair sometimes. but i try to stay positive because i know ill be with my family again one day. it wont be soon and the journey there will not be easy, but itll be worth it. 


xoxo

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roses and butterflies

the idea of getting married is wonderful! the thought of sharing your life with someone else is great! it seems like it would or should be a breeze and so simple to merge two lives together!

getting engaged is a huge rush and leaves you completely awestruck! wedding planning..that's a different story! it really isn't too bad, there are just so many little details that are easy to forget about. it's awesome to have someone by my side who can deal with my mood swings and semi bridezilla moments! 

getting married is not a piece of cake, it's a lot of hard work. trying to figure out things like where to live and, for us, where to go to school, is difficult!

we've gone from staying in orlando, to moving to idaho, to moving to utah, to wanting to say "forget it all," and move to hawaii, to going back to staying in orlando, and now we've got it down to staying in florida, but we don't know where in florida..

and now that we've at least got that much figured out, we have to start figuring out our apartment situation...

we're definitely learning what it takes to be married and happy. there are a few things that have really worked for us so far..

1. communication

this one is really easy for hamilton, not so much for me. he is so honest with how he feels and what he believes will make him happy. i'm honest about those things, but it's like pulling teeth trying to get it out of me! he's a trooper though. he helps me all that he can.

2. weekly date night

thursday night is date night. it's the one night a week we have to put our problems and stress aside and focus on each other. sometimes our dates fall through and we settle for just watching some netflix, which is still just fine! and sometimes work or school gets in the way of our date night, but when that happens we try to reschedule it for another day and if we cant, we try to just watch a movie or do something small.

3. serve each other

hamilton will do anything i ask. he rarely ever complains. i ask for back rubs allllll the time. i ask him to get me water, and he always gets it for me, even if he just sat down and got all comfortable. never a complain. i try to do the same for him. the back scratches, the little errands and favors. bringing him his keys when he gets locked out of his car. whatever the other person needs, we are always there.

4. love unconditionally and always
this seems easy and like something that should be a given, especially if you're going to marry this person! but in the heat of a moment or during arguments it can be easy to forget those feelings. if it feels like one is doing more work than the other, then it could get in the way and feelings of resentment and anger and bitterness could start coming up. it's kind of inevitable that those feelings will come up at some point and that one will do more work than the other at some point in time; but, it's important to let go of that and go back up to #1 and communicate about how you're feeling. we don't expect too much of each other and we don't have unrealistic expectations (or we're trying not to).

5. having "safe" words
this may seem kind of silly, but it works. it's something new that we're doing. when we're arguing and things get too heated and we start to speak out of anger, we say our word and we have to stop. it seems like maybe things wont get resolved this way, but it gives us each time to cool down and think rationally again. then we revisit whatever it was we were upset about and try to work it out more calmly.


getting married is wonderful, the idea of it seems perfect, but it isn't. it can be hard work sometimes. merging together two lives takes a little work and some patience. these things have really been able to help us and i have so much confidence in our relationship. i know that we will argue at times and we will get frustrated but we love each other. we know how we work and we know what we need to do to calm things down and work through the tough times.
there are plenty of roses and butterflies in marriage, there are some storms and clouds, but there is always a rainbow after the rain.
we don't fight or argue a lot, but after we do and we make up, i always fall even more in love with him.

being engaged is hard because i'm ready to just be married - no other reason. marriage is exciting and i can't wait to begin this new chapter of my life as a birkeland!

only 63 more days until eternity!

xoxo

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lately

i've been thinking a lot lately..uh oh..and i am just so thankful for the gospel. my life has hit quite a few big bumps in the last year. if i didn't have the gospel i don't know what would have happened or how i would have reacted.
i know that having the knowledge i do and especially being able to go to the temple helps me so much. there are a few times where i know i would have strayed from the straight and narrow, and i would've strayed far. if i wasn't temple worthy, i can guarantee that i would have done those things, but knowing that i could go to the Lord's house at anytime is what saved me from doing those things. it was a personal struggle on top of all the other things that were going on. i am just so grateful for my friends both the ones who are members and the ones who aren't. i can honestly say that i don't know where i would be without them.
lately i feel like i'm coming undone. i don't know why or what triggered it. i've been so happy and grateful. but recently i just am not feeling that way. i'm more emotionally unstable and my eating problems are coming back, not too much, but they're there. i haven't had those problems in almost a year. i don't know what is triggering these feelings and thoughts, but i just know that i have to push through. i make sure to tell someone, so obviously i decided to tell hamilton and he doesn't really know what to do, but he knows, so he can talk to me about it and see how i'm really doing.
the gospel can help us overcome anything and everything. i know that these trials and hard times are tests. it is Heavenly Father's way of testing me and telling me that i need to do some growing. i can't get lazy with scripture study and daily prayer. which i most definitely have lately. that's the way it works. as soon as i stop doing what i need to be doing, i hit a trial, hard. not always, sometimes i hit trials when i'm doing everything i need to and when i'm trying my best. but Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. His plan is always the best. and trials just happen to be part of that plan.
sometimes i just feel like i don't know what to do or where to start to try and feel better. i don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel better, and i don't think i've ever really done that. i try to be independent, too independent. i shut down from everyone around me and don't talk to anyone and it's bad for me but also for my relationships. i get scared i don't want my problems to be belittled or get told that they're stupid. i'm scared of getting hurt. but i know it's an irrational fear, most of the time. i need to let go of that and talk to people. i hurt myself by bottling everything up.

but anyways, i am so happy that this church is true, i know that it is! and it is not a place for perfect people, it is for imperfect people trying to better themselves. no one is perfect but we are trying and that's what is important. i am so happy to have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me more than i could ever comprehend no matter what mistakes i may make. and i am so grateful and happy to have Jesus Christ as my savior. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to repent and be forgiven. i wouldn't be able to live with Heavenly Father again after this life.
i am so happy and grateful for the church leaders that help me and are so willing to do anything to help me with anything that may be going on.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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currently...

currently - supposed to be writing my humanities essay/project. that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. when's it due? tomorrow in class. will i have time to finish it by then? sure, if i don't sleep. i have work at 5, so i may just skip the sleeping thing tonight. i don't know why, i just can't seem to focus. oh well.

yesterday was my dad's birthday. he would have been 65. i woke up at 9 to get ready for my yoga class. it kind of slipped my mind, until i was in the car driving to campus. it takes me about 35 minutes to get there, so that gives me plenty of thinking time. by the time i got there, i was just not very happy. it was the first real event that happened since he has been gone.
and if you've ever taken a yoga class, you know that the last 5-10 minutes is just straight meditating and time for deep thought.
my teacher is very spiritual and talks to us during meditation and it just brings out so many emotions. i remember laying on my mat. on my back. arms at my sides. palms up. shoulders down. deep breathing. all these thoughts were popping into my mind and i may have had a few tears roll down my cheeks. i just remember thinking i couldn't do it. i couldn't go to my other classes. i couldn't get through this day. i just had to go home and stay in bed all day. that's all i could imagine doing. but the word can't isn't allowed in yoga either. so i pushed those thoughts out of my mind and started telling myself that i could. i am strong, i can get through this. it's okay to struggle. it's going to be hard. i miss him. and it's hard. there's nothing that can make it any easier. but that's okay. it's okay. i'm allowed to have a hard time.
so all this was going through my mind while i was laying there. then my mind just went blank. i stopped thinking all together. it was the strangest, most comforting thing ever. i didn't know what happened but i knew that by telling myself i could do it, i was given the strength to do so.
i went to all my classes, and it wasn't the easiest day. it was really hard actually. but i got through it.
i went to hamilton's after and he had freshly baked cookies, one in the shape of a J waiting for me on the counter. he knew it was a hard day and wanted to do what he could to help. < little did he know that i was going to ask if we could make cookies. it's like he read my mind  > anyways, i stayed and had dinner with him and his family, and then we had fhe all together. i was grumpy and got a little fussy with him during it. but he handled it like a champ, and for that. i am just so grateful.

i feel so blessed for the people i have in my life. my friends are so wonderful to me. they do what they can to make sure i'm okay. hamilton is so great and i feel so blessed to have him. he makes me want to be the best i can be and he really just helps me so much more than he will ever know. and my family. they are my support and i know they are always there for me to lean on. i am so grateful for each person in my life and don't know what i would do without them!

 i just love him so :)

 doesn't he look like the happiest man you've ever met? that's because he was. always.

and today is my hippie parents anniversary. 36 years. the love they shared was so amazing. it is something i pray to have with the person i marry. they have had some of the hardest trials, but have always put their marriage first and gotten through everything together. they were a single unit and i will always strive to be like them.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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m i a

i've been a little mia the past few weeks..sorry.

so much has been going on though. 

i had classes, i work, and i've had a lot of family stuff goin on. i'm totally slackin' in the 'writing/blogging' department. but oh well, i'll catch up eventually.

my dad died june 30th, so it's been a really rough month. i haven't written anything since and i'm not really sure what to even write about. i know that i should be happy just because i know that i'll be with him again eventually, and he isn't in pain anymore, which i am happy about. but i'm just having a really hard time with it and i just don't ever feel like doing anything. nothing has ever effected me this much before, or in this way. we were so close and it's just hard to imagine not being able to talk to him anymore.

i went home for the first time since the funeral, and it definitely was not easy  i just kept imagining him walking out of the room and talking to my mom and me, but it never happened. it was the first time i really talked about him since it happened. i got home at around 12 am, and my mom was still awake. so we just hung out and talked until about 2 am, and i really needed that. it was a lot of talking and crying, but also a lot of reminiscing and laughter. death is always sad, but it always makes me forget the bad times and only remember the best times.

so i guess that's really all that has been going on, but that's plenty.

 >> excuse how fat i look here..

picture overload #sorrynotsorry..

my parents are the best and coolest, obvi. I couldn't have asked for better ones even if i wanted to.

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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