engaged!

january 18, 2015. oh that cherished day. the day that marks the day i promised to marry the love of my life. the day that starts it all.

it was a sunday. sundays are pretty much always great. it had been a little bit of a rough week for us. we hadn't been fighting, but there were some hurt feelings. thursday night is date night and so the thursday before we did something, then our plan was to go light off the lanterns. it was raining so we waiting until it stopped. he was acting super lovey. not in a bad way at all, it was suspicious is all. to be honest i thought he was going to propose that night.
we start driving and all these emotions come out and we're talking about our worries and fears. it was good that we had that talk, it just wasn't expected and there were a few things said that maybe shouldn't have been. so after that we were both trying to be nice but also talk about anything that may have hurt the other person. 
we had worked through that little bump and it was a good growing experience for us. 

i decided that we needed to do something fun and sweet so i suggest that we go light off the lanterns. he said that we definitely should but we should go somewhere else this time (we had done it once before). i agreed. we made the plan to go light off the lanterns and bring blankets to watch the stars after. we had everything we needed in the car already. it was already dark when we made these plans and were pretty close to the park where we would light off the lanterns. but he insisted that he needed to go home to get something. i didn't argue, he was driving so if he wanted to drive to the other side of town to drive right back again, that was up to him! 
we get to his house and he gets a jacket. in my head i'm thinking that he's being a weirdo. 
next thing i know, we're on our way. he kept messing with his pocket on the way there. interesting...
we pull into the parking lot and there are a few cars there. 
it isn't really a park. its on the water and you have to walk through the woods to get there, but there is an empty field on the other side, no one really goes over there. 
so we grab the blankets, lanterns, and whatever else we needed and walked on over. we walk so that we aren't too close to the parking lot and so that the headlights wouldn't be shining in our faces if people were to come or go. 
we lay out the blankets and get the lanterns ready. he said he wanted to light his off first, so i hold his lantern while he lights it. i accidentally tore a hole in his, so we had to make sure that it actually flew away and didn't fall to the ground a start a fire haha. it didn't, so we're good! then he holds my lantern while i light it off. we just stood there for awhile hugging and watching them fly away. we stood there until we couldn't see them anymore. we didn't say a whole lot. he said, "you're perfect." and then we just looked at each other for a little bit. we kissed and he said, "hey jackie, guess what?!"
now, that is something he always says before he's going to fart. so i got a little annoyed and just said, "what?"
and he literally jumped down onto one knee and said, "will you marry me?"
i start smiling and laughing a little. i obviously said yes! 
that's my man, always keeping me on my toes haha.
so after that we just laid there. he said we weren't allowed to leave until one of us saw a shooting star. we ended up seeing 3 that night. we laid there for an hour or maybe more. it was so nice and i just couldn't stop smiling the whole time.

he had talked to my mom a few weeks earlier to ask her permission, so i called her right when we got to the car and told her! then i texted all my brothers and aunts and friends. not everyone was as excited as i was. they think i'm too young and throwing away my youth. i know that this is the right decision. i love hamilton more than i could ever explain and i know what it's like to think your going to marry someone. that isn't what i'm feeling. i've spent time with my Heavenly Father in prayer to find out if this is truly what he wants for me, and i've gotten my answer. i may be young, but i know what i want and i know that what i am doing is right for me.

i can't wait to be mrs. birkeland. it's so exciting and wonderful! june 18, 2015 can't come soon enough!

i love him more and more each day. we may annoy each other sometimes, but despite that, we work through it. he comforts me when i need it, and i comfort him when he does. we're there for each other.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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the beginning

the very first time i met hamilton was at a ysa dance, probably a year and a half or so ago, i got dragged there by a friend. my friend chelsea was talking to some boy. she introduced me to him and his brother, one was hamilton and the other was harrison. i said hello and just kind of stood there while they talked because hamilton wouldn't even look twice at me. which at the time i was totally fine with (i was engaged to someone else).
i didn't think anything of it. and he doesn't even remember it.
the next time we met was at a ysa scavenger hunt at the mall. i rode there with a couple friends and we got there a little late, everyone already had their groups. we, of course, got split up. one of the girls ended up being in hamilton's group, i tried to leave my group and go to theirs, but the guy in charge had already written my name. after the scavenger hunt we all met in the food court to see who won. then we were going to get ice cream. i went over to talk to my friend and i remember not being in the best mood. hamilton was standing with us and i guess i gave him a little too much attitude because he decided to leave and not get ice cream with everyone. he said, "this girl is givin me bad vibes." directed at me. he says that he did not like me at all. he thought i was mean and rude. 
i don't entirely remember this encounter, but i vaguely remember being in a bad mood and him being in the circle as we were talking. again, i was still engaged to someone else, so i didn't think much of it at all.
now the third time we met was at a mutual friends house. our friend was leaving to go on his mission so he had some friends over a few weeks before he left. there was probably 5-7 of us. we all sat outside in a little circle. it was almost like musical chairs because every time someone would get up, someone would take their seat. this was in late february or early march. there were these teeny tiny rocks that everyone kept throwing at each other, and we would crush up leaves and throw those at each other also. we were, at least i was, definitely being a little flirty, i made sure to throw some his way (just like we all used to do in preschool and kindergarden). the person that was sitting by hamilton got up, so i moved over next to him. i don't remember what we talked about, but i do remember really enjoying that conversation. i remember laughing and thinking that he was a pretty cool kid. and i wasn't engaged anymore.
he wasn't at our friends farewell party, and i didn't see him for awhile so i kind of forgot about that little encounter we had. 
after this time, he changed his mind and decided that he liked me.
the final time we "met" (i'm not sure how many times you can meet someone and still consider it "meeting") was in church one sunday. it was in june, i believe it was june 8th. i'm not entirely sure but i remember meeting him a few weeks before my dad died. which was a very good thing. i don't think i would have been open to a relationship if i had met him after, i also think i would've relied on him far too much for my happiness. plus it gave me more time to date other people after breaking off my engagement. i needed a little time to adjust and live life without a boy in my life.
anyways, we met one sunday in early june. i was with my friend chelsea, who happened to also be his friend, so we walked over to him so she could say hello. we immediately hit it off. we talked so much and i knew right away that i wanted to be with him. it wasn't one of those "oh, you're cute and funny so i like you" kind of things, it was much different. i'm not sure why i felt that way or how i knew right off the bat, but i did. 
it took him a little longer to figure it out, but that's okay.
during 2nd hour that day he looked at me and asked, "did you get my text?"
"no, i don't have your number?" i replied, confused. this was the first time we had really connected.
"oh, well you should." clever. i laughed it was probably the only decent pick up line i've ever heard haha. so i gave him my number and we talked a few times during the week. 
and that is how we "met."

the following sunday was father's day, i went home to bradenton for the weekend. so we didn't see each other.
the sunday after that we were at church. he got there late so i didn't see him until after sacrament. we sat together during sunday school again. talking up a storm, probably being super disruptive. oh well. on that day all my friends asked if we were dating, or if we were going to start dating. two friends said that we would definitely get married. i didn't think a whole lot of it, girls say that about almost all the people you date. but i knew i wanted to be with him.
after church chelsea and i decided to go watch a movie at my place. we invited two of our other friends, and i suggested we invite hamilton. she said sure! so i did. we all went to my place and watched a movie. i tried to save a spot next to me so that he could sit by me, but someone else decided to sit there. i may have been a little bitter about that. but that's okay, i'm over it now haha.
it was a lot of fun, we just hung out. 
my mom called during the movie and told me that i needed to come to town as soon as i could, because my dad was very sick. i was taking a summer class, so i told her i would leave as soon as it ended on monday so i don't miss a whole week of work. she said that was fine.
i didn't think a whole lot about it, it scared me, but i was having fun with my friends.

my dad died the next day. i was gone for a week, but i was at church the next sunday. i had a lot of people calling and texting me. it was nice that there were so many people willing to help and make me feel better. hamilton didn't text me though. i didn't notice a whole lot though.

after that we hung out more and more. i convinced him to come to a thing at ucf with the missionaries. he didn't want to go, but he did. him, chelsea, and i all went together. afterwards we took chelsea's car to checkers (she was hungry and that's what she wanted),  we all sat in her car talking for about an hour or so. then hamilton and i left (we drove there together). we talked the whole way home, about random things. then we talked about how tired we both were. but we stayed in the car for probably another 2 hours. we were there until midnight or so. he apologized to me for not texting me or asking me how i was doing after my dad died. he was with me the sunday after it happened so he knew that everyone was asking how i was and if i needed anything. he said that he figured i was tired of talking about it and hearing the same things, so he didn't want to bring it up and say the things that everyone else was saying. it makes sense and i wasn't mad at him in the first place so it was okay, and i appreciated that he didn't ask me the same things everyone else did. 
we talked about my family and his. some of his adventures. he told me about how he climbed the ucf billboard with a friend a few times. i told him about how i've always wanted to climb a billboard. so he said, well let's go then! i drove us back to ucf and he told me where to park. 
we walked over and as we were walking he said, "okay, so what's our story if a cop asks what we're doing?" 
"uhh, i don't know? we're just going for a walk?" i replied.
"we're going on a romantic walk in the middle of the night. we're dating." (he said something like that haha).
i think my heart skipped a beat when he said that. no one stopped us though. when we got there, i looked up and the ladder starts a few feet taller than i can jump, so he lifted me up to the ladder. we climbed up to the very top. there are these little beams that go up a little higher to hold up the score board. so i climbed up to that beam and laid down there. he looked at me like i was crazy and even told me i was crazy haha. it wasn't scary though, it was a lot of fun. he eventually followed me and laid down next to me. we continued talking about all sorts of things. we have so much in common, yet we're so different. it's a good thing though. there was a moment when we were just looking at each other, into each other's eyes. i would've bet you anything that he was going to kiss me right then and there. he didn't though. which was okay. i may have been a little confused after because i was almost positive he liked me too. 
we were probably up there for 2 hours. by the time we got back to my place and he got in his car to leave, it was just after 3am. we had been talking for 5 +/- hours. it didn't feel like that long at all!
after that night i knew i would marry him.

fast forward a little bit. we had gone on a few other dates. movies, food, etc. during the month of july we hung out a lot. we hung out at his house a lot and would just watch netflix movies.
the first time he kissed me, we were at his house. it was late, probably 11 or so (it was usually a little later when we'd hang out because it was the only spare time we had). we were probably 30 minutes into a movie when i knew he was looking at me, so i turned my head to look at him. i hate eye contact so i turned my head shortly after. he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek! i had never had a first kiss that was on the cheek before, that meant a lot to me and showed me that he respected me. 

soon july was over and it was august. i was starting to wonder a little bit if this was just a fling to him or if it was going to be the real deal to him. i knew what i wanted.
we were driving around one night because he had to go drop something off to a friend and on our way back he took a detour and drove all around his neighborhood. he told me everything that he had done in the past and told me his mistakes and anything that he though might effect how i feel about him. it didn't change anything and i told him my mistakes. i know he's not perfect and neither am i. i especially can't judge him when i've made similar mistakes.
if anything having that conversation made our bond stronger. i knew that it wasn't just a fling to him after that.

on august 4th we were at his house again, watching a movie. i told him about how a guy wanted to date me, so he called someone i was friends with to ask what the deal was and my friend told him, "she's basically with hamilton now, so it isn't really worth trying."
after i told him, he laughed and said something clever like, "since we're basically together, do you want to make it official?"
i obviously said yes! i had only been waiting weeks for him to ask!

and that is how it all started. we had a little bit of a rocky start, but that's okay! it was fun and i'm glad that we connected when we did, instead of earlier or later.
thinking back on where i was in my life when we first met, we probably would've never started dating in the first place. 
the time we talked at our friends house wouldn't have done much either. he went to louisiana fairly soon after and would've been gone for 2 or so months. plus i knew that i needed to date different people and not be with anyone for a little while. 
there are so many things that helped us get together that there's no way it was coincidence. he never went to the ysa ward, but decided that he would go that particular sunday in june. he also didn't like me the first time he met me. 
i think we both had some shenanigans that we needed to get out of our systems and it was a very good thing that we did it before we started dating.
and if it would've been any later, it would've been after my dad died and i don't think i would've opened my heart to anyone new for a long time. he's such a catch and such a great guy that he would've gotten snatched up.

i love him so much and he really means the world to me. we've come so far from that sunday in june. i know that he is the one i am going to marry and i can't wait to start our life together!

he almost had to drag me to this dance. it was fun though!

isn't he just the best lookin guy out there? 

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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catch up

alright. it's been a little while..okay, maybe a little longer than that.
there's just been so much going on. and there probably aren't very many of you out there that wait for my posts haha.
anyways, life's been a little crazy since i last posted. and i'm really not even sure where to start!
let's start with what's happened since my last post.
so i left off in november. i'll just skip ahead to december. it was christmas and it was the first christmas without my dad and the first christmas with hamilton. it was a little bittersweet and it's hard to really decipher what emotions i was feeling. we (my mom, sammy, vinnie, hamilton, and i) went to michigan for the holiday and it was very nice.
i love spending time with my family and i am so glad hamilton got to meet more of my family. my brother, john, lives there with his family (becca, his wife, jami, grace, and scarlet, his 3 girls). i'm closest with john, so it was important that hamilton met him.

plus we went skiing and we totally rocked at it. it's going to be our secret hobby haha.
here are some little tidbits of other things we did.

we went to disney and saw the osborn lights. it's probably one of my favorite things to do during the holidays. i just love seeing all the christmas lights! plus they have some that dance to the music. it's just so fun and really puts me in the christmas spirit! maybe it'll be our own little tradition.

we went to the nutcracker. we went to the one that is in bradenton, put on my the bradenton ballet repertory. it's the company i was in for many years. it was fun to see everyone and see the changes too.

weddddiiinnngggssss. are so fun. we got to go to our friends wedding and it was so cute! it was so fun and i love seeing the happy couple :) plus weddings make me soooo excited! ;)

january was one heck of a month! school started and i was back at work. there was a lot to do after a nice two week break from it all. i was originally signed up for 5 classes (that's how many i took last semester and did pretty well) and ended up dropping 2, so i'm only taking 3 classes now. which is okay. it was probably for the best because this semester is going to be a crazy one! 
on january 18th, hamilton proposed!!!! i am so excited about that! i can't wait to marry this man of mine. he is so wonderful and good to me.  (don't worry, i'll post a gushy, lovey post later)
then on the 19th we had a little celebratory lunch with some friends. 
i also found out i had to move out of my place by february 8th, so i was in a bit of a pinch to find a new place. 
i had a bunch of idea that all fell through, then a very nice lady in hamilton's parents ward offered me one of her spare bedrooms. and that worked out perfectly! 

can't wait to marry him!
now that you're all caught up, i'll try to post more regularly! it's good for me to do that anyways :)


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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oh how He loves us

i feel so beyond grateful and blessed to be a member of the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. the road has certainly been a rough one, but i know that i have always been led in the right direction. being a member of this church can be difficult at times, not because i can't keep the commandments, but because it means holding myself to a much higher standard. and when i fall short, i get frustrated with myself. it is so amazing to me to have a Heavenly Father who loves us so dearly. i can't even begin to understand the love He has for me and all my brothers and sisters. i have felt that love when i'm in lessons with the elders or sisters and it is such an undeniable and amazing thing. it just gives me a small glimpse of the way He loves us. 

i am constantly reminded of His love by everything around me. just by being able to wake up each and every morning, to have the strength to get through the day, to have a job and go to school. there are so many things that i am blessed to have and it's so important for me to remember that.

i have been having a really hard time lately, not with the gospel or the church or anything like that. but with the small things. daily prayer and scripture study. i am working on it, but it's just been so hard lately and i'm not sure why. i know that those are the most simple things, but they truly set the tone for our lives and the way we live them. i know that when i start my day or end my day by reading the scriptures, i just feel better. i'm able to feel the spirit so much better and so much stronger. it is so wonderful and such a blessing to have that constant companionship and it is something that i need to strive for each and every day. 

having the temple so close is a huge deal, there are so many people who don't have a temple so close to them and i need to not take it for granted as much. i need to take advantage of it much more. i love the temple so much and being able to go and being worthy is one of the best feelings ever and i don't ever want to lose that. it's the one place that i can go to and forget everything outside of those walls. it's the place where i can feel my dad and satch with me and know that they are always watching over me. 

i know that repentance is real and that we can't put it off. Heavenly Father is waiting for us to come to Him and repent. He loves us so much and wants us to come back to Him. He will always love us no matter what and He sent Jesus down to be our Savior and we can't take that for granted. he payed the price for all of us and it is such an amazing and beautiful thing to know that no matter what mistakes we have made, we can always be forgiven. 

i fall short each and every day, but i know that no matter what, Heavenly Father is always there with me, waiting, longing for me to come to Him in prayer. i am so grateful for such a loving, kind Heavenly Father and an amazing, perfect older brother, Jesus Christ, who was willing to bear all of our burdens and sins on his shoulders. i love this gospel and know without a doubt that it is true and i couldn't be more grateful for those who have helped me along the way.

xoxo

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lately

i've been thinking a lot lately..uh oh..and i am just so thankful for the gospel. my life has hit quite a few big bumps in the last year. if i didn't have the gospel i don't know what would have happened or how i would have reacted.
i know that having the knowledge i do and especially being able to go to the temple helps me so much. there are a few times where i know i would have strayed from the straight and narrow, and i would've strayed far. if i wasn't temple worthy, i can guarantee that i would have done those things, but knowing that i could go to the Lord's house at anytime is what saved me from doing those things. it was a personal struggle on top of all the other things that were going on. i am just so grateful for my friends both the ones who are members and the ones who aren't. i can honestly say that i don't know where i would be without them.
lately i feel like i'm coming undone. i don't know why or what triggered it. i've been so happy and grateful. but recently i just am not feeling that way. i'm more emotionally unstable and my eating problems are coming back, not too much, but they're there. i haven't had those problems in almost a year. i don't know what is triggering these feelings and thoughts, but i just know that i have to push through. i make sure to tell someone, so obviously i decided to tell hamilton and he doesn't really know what to do, but he knows, so he can talk to me about it and see how i'm really doing.
the gospel can help us overcome anything and everything. i know that these trials and hard times are tests. it is Heavenly Father's way of testing me and telling me that i need to do some growing. i can't get lazy with scripture study and daily prayer. which i most definitely have lately. that's the way it works. as soon as i stop doing what i need to be doing, i hit a trial, hard. not always, sometimes i hit trials when i'm doing everything i need to and when i'm trying my best. but Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. His plan is always the best. and trials just happen to be part of that plan.
sometimes i just feel like i don't know what to do or where to start to try and feel better. i don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel better, and i don't think i've ever really done that. i try to be independent, too independent. i shut down from everyone around me and don't talk to anyone and it's bad for me but also for my relationships. i get scared i don't want my problems to be belittled or get told that they're stupid. i'm scared of getting hurt. but i know it's an irrational fear, most of the time. i need to let go of that and talk to people. i hurt myself by bottling everything up.

but anyways, i am so happy that this church is true, i know that it is! and it is not a place for perfect people, it is for imperfect people trying to better themselves. no one is perfect but we are trying and that's what is important. i am so happy to have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me more than i could ever comprehend no matter what mistakes i may make. and i am so grateful and happy to have Jesus Christ as my savior. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to repent and be forgiven. i wouldn't be able to live with Heavenly Father again after this life.
i am so happy and grateful for the church leaders that help me and are so willing to do anything to help me with anything that may be going on.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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Gone Girl

if you are looking for a crazzzyyyy good book that will keep you guessing the entire time, than look no further than Gone Girl! 
it was probably one of the best books i've read in a really long time. i kept thinking i knew what would happen next, but i had no clue. this book had my mind racing and i couldn't put it down. 
it made me mad, happy, sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions.

after reading a few mediocre books, i kinda gave up on finding a new, great book for awhile. but then i decided to pick up this little black book and am so happy i did. Gillian Flynn knows how to keep you guessing and wanting more. 
it is a cunning tale of a man and woman. on their five year wedding anniversary, the wife goes missing and no one can seem to figure out what happened. then, naturally, the fingers start to point back to the husband...and the rest, i wouldn't dare to reveal! you'll just have to read it for yourself.

once you pick it up and start reading you won't be able to put it down. i promise you that much.
so go ahead and get to readin!


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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currently...

currently - supposed to be writing my humanities essay/project. that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. when's it due? tomorrow in class. will i have time to finish it by then? sure, if i don't sleep. i have work at 5, so i may just skip the sleeping thing tonight. i don't know why, i just can't seem to focus. oh well.

yesterday was my dad's birthday. he would have been 65. i woke up at 9 to get ready for my yoga class. it kind of slipped my mind, until i was in the car driving to campus. it takes me about 35 minutes to get there, so that gives me plenty of thinking time. by the time i got there, i was just not very happy. it was the first real event that happened since he has been gone.
and if you've ever taken a yoga class, you know that the last 5-10 minutes is just straight meditating and time for deep thought.
my teacher is very spiritual and talks to us during meditation and it just brings out so many emotions. i remember laying on my mat. on my back. arms at my sides. palms up. shoulders down. deep breathing. all these thoughts were popping into my mind and i may have had a few tears roll down my cheeks. i just remember thinking i couldn't do it. i couldn't go to my other classes. i couldn't get through this day. i just had to go home and stay in bed all day. that's all i could imagine doing. but the word can't isn't allowed in yoga either. so i pushed those thoughts out of my mind and started telling myself that i could. i am strong, i can get through this. it's okay to struggle. it's going to be hard. i miss him. and it's hard. there's nothing that can make it any easier. but that's okay. it's okay. i'm allowed to have a hard time.
so all this was going through my mind while i was laying there. then my mind just went blank. i stopped thinking all together. it was the strangest, most comforting thing ever. i didn't know what happened but i knew that by telling myself i could do it, i was given the strength to do so.
i went to all my classes, and it wasn't the easiest day. it was really hard actually. but i got through it.
i went to hamilton's after and he had freshly baked cookies, one in the shape of a J waiting for me on the counter. he knew it was a hard day and wanted to do what he could to help. < little did he know that i was going to ask if we could make cookies. it's like he read my mind  > anyways, i stayed and had dinner with him and his family, and then we had fhe all together. i was grumpy and got a little fussy with him during it. but he handled it like a champ, and for that. i am just so grateful.

i feel so blessed for the people i have in my life. my friends are so wonderful to me. they do what they can to make sure i'm okay. hamilton is so great and i feel so blessed to have him. he makes me want to be the best i can be and he really just helps me so much more than he will ever know. and my family. they are my support and i know they are always there for me to lean on. i am so grateful for each person in my life and don't know what i would do without them!

 i just love him so :)

 doesn't he look like the happiest man you've ever met? that's because he was. always.

and today is my hippie parents anniversary. 36 years. the love they shared was so amazing. it is something i pray to have with the person i marry. they have had some of the hardest trials, but have always put their marriage first and gotten through everything together. they were a single unit and i will always strive to be like them.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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