makeover

staying up til 3am deleting and adding songs to my ipod is something i greatly regret this morning..but something i will greatly appreciate when i go listen to my music.
all the music i have ever bought was on my ipod because icloud sharing was turned on…i had no idea that was even a thing.
so i re-downloaded the songs i wanted and deleted the ones i didn't! then i turned off icloud sharing.
i went from 1072 songs to 483 songs. my iPod is much happier! and so am i!
i got all the old rap, alternative, and pop off! and now it's half country and a good mix of everything else!
the breakdown of my iPod goes a little like this..
>> 220 country songs
>> 46 pop
>> 41 rock
>> 34 alternative
>> 16 rap { strictly for working out }
>> 126 other { reggae, christian, soundtrack, r&b, world, etc }

now life is good, i'm a happy camper, and i can enjoy my music much more!

no more skipping 30 songs to find one that i still like :)


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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withdraw

i'm getting "trunky" and i haven't even left yet!

i haven't been in the water since August 2013..like what? for a knowles, that's unheard of! what has my life come to?

i made it a goal to go fishing when i came to btown this time…well turns out, all the fishing poles are broken, just my luck. so i decided to take my nephews to the beach instead. even though i hate the beach. i figured it's the next best thing, when i can't go on the boat.

it was pretty fun! and it was nice to have my toes in the sand, salt on my skin, and the warm sun on my skin. oh how the water has been missing in my life.

a trip to the keys is definitely an absolute must. and soon!

only 5 days until i enter the temple! and 100 days until i leave for the MTC. i seriously cannot wait! it'll be the adventure and experience of a lifetime :)

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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a whole year

March 3rd, 2013. wow, that day was scary/intense/the greatest day ever, to say the least!
looking back it honestly seems so silly. i remember i had to sneak out of my house and have Sonny pick me up, to take me to church, because my mom took my keys. my parents [ mostly mom ] did everything they could to prevent it from happening. but i knew that this is true and i knew it was exactly what i needed to do.
i can't believe it's been a whole year since that day! it's crazy to see how far i've come! 
>> i entered the waters exactly one year ago. 
and i can honestly say, it is one of the greatest decisions i've ever made. it was also one of the hardest. it was so easy once i knew it was true, but it was so hard once i told my parents. they hated the idea of me being mormon. 
i got every reason in the book. it was a cult. they still believe in polygamy. they don't honor Mary or the saints. they believe we can all be gods. they're way too secretive. 
i heard it all. and it's funny because none of that is true! but it was hard to explain through the yelling and the tears. 
anyways, i know that i made the right choice, and i also know that i am doing what the Lord needs me to do.

it took me 4 months to learn that the church was true, 4 months to learn enough to know it was the right place for me. when you know, you know. 
i got kicked out of my house a few times, just for a few days at a time though. and i got the cold shoulder from my parents for what seemed like forever. it was so hard and there were some very hurtful things thrown my way. 
but looking back, i laugh. my parents and i have never been closer than we are right now, despite everything that has happened. the Lord works in great ways and most of the time we don't really see it! it is so amazing that he does so much for me! my parents aren't huge fans of the church, but they accept and love me. that is really all i could ask for. my mom is my best friend, and i couldn't imagine having to go through life without her being that. my dad is my number one fan and my biggest supporter, and i don't know what i would do if i ever lost that.

i know that this church is true and i know that i am exactly where i need to be. doing what i need to be doing. 
when i first got baptized, going on a mission was out of the question. but here i am, getting my endowments in 12 days, and going on a mission in 107. i cannot wait. i have never been this excited for something! i know that i'm going where i'm needed and that the things i will be teaching are true! 
it is such a blessing and such a saving grace to know that i am fulfilling God's plan for me.

i love this church and i love that everything fits together. it is all perfect in every way. the church and it's teachings are perfect, the people are not. and that's okay! we're not supposed to be perfect, we're just supposed to try our very hardest to live like Jesus did.

i am eternally grateful to those who helped me get this far, and those who were there for me every step of the way. and especially those who taught me and brought me to the gospel! 
you da best!

>> so grateful for this kid! 

>> one of the greatest days ever!

  >> the day i got my call to go to Australia Sydney South!!


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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[ f o o d ]

i can't really believe i'm about to write about this...it's been something i wanted to hide and never tell a soul. but i feel it's important. and apparently it's eating disorder awareness month..so...here goes nothing..
it has always been a touchy subject with me. only two people really know that i've had this problem. i was extremely good at keeping a secret. i covered it up with multiple things ballet, stress { which with my family, is very believable } or just not being hungry at the time.
i've had a problem with body image since i can remember. 
>> wanting bigger boobs, a smaller waist, smaller stomach, thinner thighs - you name it, i probably thought it.
i remember being little, like 10-12, and i was already worrying about how much i weighed. i would spend way too much time in front of a mirror, and not enough playing with barbies or riding my bike. it's scary to think about how early it all started. 

you remember that spongebob episode? the one about chocolate?
well, do you remember that old lady that hated chocolate? that is how i was about food..any kind. it didn't matter how healthy, green, or unprocessed it was. i would make up some excuse to not eat it.

i remember being a freshman in high school, that was the hardest year for me. i got made fun of a lot and harassed quite a bit. looking back, i could've done a lot more to stop it, but i just ignored it. 
my life revolved around one thing.. ballet. there is a lot of pressure when you're doing something like that. i had my whole life planned out. i wanted to get married, but i also knew i had to be a ballerina. it simply had to happen. so school took a backseat, all my efforts were put into ballet.
i also had a boyfriend, and at first, it was great. but then it seemed like he only liked me for my body and the way i looked. i got a little too used to that kind of attention. i thought that was how it was supposed to be. i thought that, that is the way love worked. i wanted to be loved and i wanted to be accepted, but i was doing it for all the wrong reasons. i didn't know who i was, or what i was doing with my life. i wanted to do ballet, i loved it, and i thought i loved my boyfriend, but i was so unhappy. i didn't know what was wrong with me. 

then we moved..and it felt like my world was crashing down around me..
that was so hard. i was devastated. i had all these big plans and my parents decided to pick up and move to key west. to put it plainly, not many professional ballerinas come out of key west. i hated it.
then my mom left for a few weeks, and i was left alone with my dad and two nephews. at the time, my dad was really sick, so naturally, i had to take care of my nephews.
i was 15 at the time so i couldn't drive. it was so hard to take care of them and myself when i couldn't go to the grocery store or anywhere else.
and that is where my problems truly began.

i had already had the issues with confidence and self worth. but when my mom left and i knew ballet was pretty much out of the question, that pushed me way over the edge.
that is when i stopped eating. i can make excuses for it all day long.
> i had to take care of my nephews
> i was depressed
> i was stressed
> i missed my old home
> i wanted to do ballet - that bad
> i needed someone to make me feel beautiful
> i was "bullied"
> society makes you believe that you need to be unrealistically skinny

but in the end, i can't blame anyone else. yes, those all added to the problems i already had, but i can't put the blame on other people. it is all a composite thing - that is very true. but i should have spoken up. i should have told someone i was hurting and that i was not okay. 
i went back and forth between being anorexic and just not eating as much as i should. i still don't have a "normal" diet, but i can see myself as beautiful.

i never went to treatment. how? honestly, i'm not sure how i got away with it for so long. my mom would ask me if i had lost weight and if i was eating. i would just say i'm fluctuating, which for a teenage girl, is very believable. i would eat enough dinner to not make it suspicious, but not enough to need to throw up. 
Sonny, my friend, eventually figured it out. which only makes sense. we were always together. but he didn't freak out. he didn't force me to eat { usually } he knew that wouldn't work. instead, he did things, to make me know that i was special. 
if someone didn't love me for who i am, why should i try to change myself? 
he was the first one to really prove that he cared, not by force or by anger. but by love, and acceptance, and through showing me that i am a Daughter of God. He made me. and He doesn't make mistakes. i am exactly how He wants me to be.

society today does awful things to the mind of our young men and women.
it makes women feel awful about themselves if they aren't a size 00-4, or if they decide to eat an extra cookie.
it gives men distorted images of what we, as females, should look like. i'm not saying that every single guy thinks that, but it doesn't help.

i'm not trying to be rude to those women and girls that do have that "perfect body."
it doesn't matter what your body looks like. it is perfect the way it is. but we can't expect each woman to look the same or to have the same body. not everyone is a size 0, and not everyone is a size 10. but it doesn't matter, because your beauty is not just the number on a scale, or the size of your jeans.
it is what's on the inside. it is how you portray yourself. if you can act confident, and have people believe you, you'll eventually believe that you are confident and you are beautiful.

this is a real struggle and isn't something that should just be tossed around. people of both genders fight this battle everyday, and they don't always win.

do me a favor and think twice next time you call someone ugly or fat, even if you are "just kidding"
because you don't know what goes on in their mind. that could be the comment to push them over the edge.

all of these women are beautiful. and they are all different. size, color, height, weight. none of that should matter. be who you are. and be who God made you to be.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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the knowles family

she's my hero. my mother. my best friend. my favorite person. my go-to with absolutely everything. my best advice giver.
i dont know what i'm going to do for the next year and a half without her { or the rest of my family } just a phone call or short drive away...i know that i'm doing the right thing, it's just going to be hard at first.
she is such a beautiful person and such a role model. i know that i haven't been the perfect daughter. i've disappointed her, yelled at her, and hurt her more times than i'd ever like to admit. but that's why God made her my mom. He knew that no matter what i did, she would always love me and embrace me. i have been so blessed to have such a loving family.
my dad is so amazing and he would do anything to make sure i'm doing well and that i'm always protected. i know that no matter what is wrong, he will be my shoulder to cry on. he is always there for me. he will always make time for me. he is goofy and silly, but he knows when to be serious. he is the rock and the other half of the solid foundation this family is built on. he will cry with me, no matter how stupid it may be, he'll laugh with me/at me, no matter how stupid that may be haha.

{ some people say they're a momma's girl, some say they're a daddy's girl. but honestly, i can't choose. my parents are both amazing and i could talk to either of them about anything. sure, they give different advice and have different reactions, but i would go to either of them. they're so great and i respect them as my parents, but i also see them as more than just a mom and dad, i see them as best friends, the closest and bestest of friends. }

my brothers, they're a different story haha.
each of them is different. i love them all so much. i know that no matter how far away we may be, they will always have my back. they would do anything for me. i know they aren't perfect, but they're mine. i don't care what they may do or what mistakes they may make. i love them just the same and i will always stick up for them. family is stronger than anything. they're my blood. my friends. my people. the ones that will be there when everyone else is gone.
if you mess with one of us, you better expect all of us. i've got 5 of them. and one is my guardian angel, he can do damage without you even knowing. hehe, i've got protection from all angles
i have the best family, we are just as dysfunctional as anyone else. we are perfect in our imperfections. but we have each other. always. through thick and thin. it's all of us. forever.

clearly, my dad is the coolest. ^^

louis and john.

sam and i.

 louis and i.

and of course, satch and i. love and miss you always bro <3

and then there's lawrence. i don't have a picture of him, but he is awesome. i love him!

families are the greatest blessings, no matter what.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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the best

sundays are for sure my favorite days. they are so uplifting and make me so happy. i know that it is so important for me right now, and also, for future me, to go to church and learn all that i can. it's important for my happiness, wellbeing, spirituality, and so i can become closer and closer to my Heavenly Father. 

i know it's absolutely crazy that we { mormons } go to church for three whole hours. like what?
why so long? what could you possibly be doing for three hours?
well we have different classes, each hour has a different teacher and has a different message. we split up differently each hour. for a more in depth answer you can click here.
i know that we all have our own busy lives, but i also know that if we can just put aside sometime each day, specifically for Heavenly Father, we will be greatly blessed.

i love this church and know that it is true with all my heart and all my soul. the spirit testifies it to me everyday in some way. i know when i'm doing something good or making the right choices; because, i will have such an overwhelmingly wonderful feeling, burning in my bosom. and it goes the other way too, if i'm doing something bad, or not even bad, just not something that would not allow me to feel the spirit and grow, that great feeling goes away. once that feeling is gone, it is fairly easy to get it back again, but we have to truly repent and when we repent, we are telling Heavenly Father not only sorry, but that we will try our absolute best to avoid doing it again.
i cant wait to start my mission and bring others closer to our Heavenly Father, but that doesn't mean i'm going to wait until then to start! no, i'm going to do my very best to be a member missionary. i love this church so much and i want all of God's children to know just how much they mean to Him, and just how much He loves them! it is so exciting when someone will really listen to you! i don't want to just sit there and preach to people, i want to teach them and have them truly understand that this is the true church, and this is the way Heavenly Father wants us to go. it makes me so happy to see people willing to learn and accept these teachings. 

we had a baptism today, and it reminded me so much of my own baptism. the spirit was so strong and he was so happy. he was so prepared and ready to receive the message. it is so humbling to see someone admit that this is true and the moment they do, it seems like a light is turned on. they just have a glow. even before they're baptized. once they realize this is true and that this is the way, and they are willing to accept and act on it, their smile seems bigger.

i love sundays. they truly are the best, not just because we get the great blessing to attend church, but because we also receive the sacrament, and have beautiful people to teach us beautiful lessons. it is a time to learn and a time to relax. sundays are recovery days and preparation days. it is time to rest up for the coming week, and to learn and come closer to our Father in Heaven.

so blessed.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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temple tours

i know it's not the same as going inside the temple, but i think it can be just as uplifting (i probably wont think that in two-ish weeks though) 
but still, i just love the temple grounds. it is so comforting to just walk around and feel the spirit. i really love seeing everything. when i'm on the temple grounds, it just seems like all the flowers are brighter, the grass is greener, the sky is bluer and more mesmerizing, and the temple itself is just spectacular and perfect in every way.
i really cannot wait until the day i get to go inside. that day is coming so fast. in just 20 short days, i get to go inside and see the temple in all its glory! i finally get to learn and understand and just take it all in. i am just so excited.
as soon as i see it, i automatically am speechless. i just love to look at it and be close to it. when i move, i definitely have to make sure the temple is as close as possible haha. but forreals, i already love it there.
the day i get to go inside is going to be amazing.

march 15, 2014. that is my day. and nothing else in the world matters. it is going to be beautiful and so amazing. i already know it.

i definitely have a few favorites haha. everyone does, whether they admit it or not!
definitely not in any order, but i cant wait to visit them all!

 fort lauderdale, fl.

 houstin, tx.

 logan, ut. (the one i will be sealed in)

 manhattan, ny.

 mount timpanogos, ut.

 salt lake city, ut.

washington dc.

 guayaguil, equador.

 las angeles, ca.

 oakland, ca.

 tegucigalpa, honduras.

 toronto, ontario. 

vancouver british columbia. 

sorry if that was overwhelming. i have a lot of favorites haha. i would love to go to any and all of them though. and one day maybe i'll visit at least a few of these!
and if you're interested in knowing/learning more about these sacred places, just click here.

xoxo,

jacquelyn 

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