decisions, decisions

so, this past year and a half has been the craziest. ever.
i am so grateful for the gospel and that i have a loving Heavenly Father.

for all my readers, and people who know me personally, you know that i was supposed to go on a mission last year. i got my call in february and then i made the decision that i shouldnt go.

it took a lot of praying and many, many trips to the temple to figure that out. and i was not happy about it. i was ready to go. i spent months preparing and learning so much. i knew i needed to listen to my promptings and do what i felt the lord was telling me to.

a week or so later i met hamilton, who i'm now married to. and a little over a month later, on the day i was supposed to fly to australia, my father passed away.

if i would have gone on my mission, i would have been so far away and since its two days of travel, i would've missed my dads funeral. i was so close with him and this was/is probably one of the most difficult things i've had to/am still dealing with.

i know that i was supposed to stay home and not go on my mission so i could be here with my family during this difficult time. it was important for me to spend those months preparing and learning so much about the gospel as well as myself.

 just doin his favorite thing

so much love. our last picture together before he passed two months later.
rest easy daddy. june 30, 2014.

i am still realizing why it was important for me to stay home. 

so many things have happened other than my dad passing. 

my mom, nephews, hamilton, and i all went to michigan in december.
hamilton proposed to me in january. 
i was going to college.
working.
doing my best to do all the things i needed to.
i became financially independent.
planned my wedding.

it doesnt seem like a lot, but it was probably the most hectic, awful, yet amazing year.
in the midst of all these things may 22nd hit.
it's an emotional day for my family to begin with. my oldest brother, Satch, passed away in 2003. he was in a fatal car accident. and may 22nd is his birthday. so it's always a bit of a gloomy day.

i was at hamilton's house. sitting on the couch with his mom, him, and the little girl his mom watches. i get a call from my mom saying that my brother was in the hospital and she doesnt know whats wrong, but shes on her way now and to say a prayer. 
 my stomach dropped. i had the biggest pit in my stomach and i knew something bad happened.
i get a call probably a half hour later from my mom. she just said that my brother Sam had passed. i had no idea what to even say. it was such a shock to me. all i said to her was "okay, im on my way home."

i got up and went into hamiltons room. i had a lot of clothes at his house so i just started packing. mindlessly. 
hamilton comes in and asks me what happened. aware of the call i had with my mom saying he was in the hospital, so i just shook my head. 
it was friday which means i was supposed to be working and so was he. 
he called both of our works and we went on our way to bradenton. 

my brother was such a gentle soul. he was so loving and kind and had a heart of gold. 
after our dad passed, he told hamilton that he felt like he needed to be a father-figure. and he was, all my brothers are. 

 like father like son haha

 christmas morning is obviously really rough

i love my family so much and i feel like it keeps getting smaller. it is so sad and seems so unfair.

i know that there is a bigger plan. and who knows why things happen. all i know is that i am so grateful that i listened to those promptings over a year ago. if i hadnt, i wouldve been in australia during all these things and i know i wouldve had such a hard time. 

there have been some awful things that happened, but i know that im stronger and my heart is sad, but its so full of wonderful memories, and i feel like i have more love and understanding in my heart and mind than ever before. 

and less than a month later i married hamilton aaron birkeland. it was the most beautiful and wonderful day of my life. my heart was heavy because the most important people in my life, the ones who taught me the most, my dad and brother werent able to be there to celebrate this joyous day with me and the rest of my family. 

 i had to honor those who couldnt be there

my life has been so full and amazing so far. i know that bad things have happened, and they dont seem fair sometimes. but i try to stay positive because i know ill be with my family again one day. it wont be soon and the journey there will not be easy, but itll be worth it. 


xoxo

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roses and butterflies

the idea of getting married is wonderful! the thought of sharing your life with someone else is great! it seems like it would or should be a breeze and so simple to merge two lives together!

getting engaged is a huge rush and leaves you completely awestruck! wedding planning..that's a different story! it really isn't too bad, there are just so many little details that are easy to forget about. it's awesome to have someone by my side who can deal with my mood swings and semi bridezilla moments! 

getting married is not a piece of cake, it's a lot of hard work. trying to figure out things like where to live and, for us, where to go to school, is difficult!

we've gone from staying in orlando, to moving to idaho, to moving to utah, to wanting to say "forget it all," and move to hawaii, to going back to staying in orlando, and now we've got it down to staying in florida, but we don't know where in florida..

and now that we've at least got that much figured out, we have to start figuring out our apartment situation...

we're definitely learning what it takes to be married and happy. there are a few things that have really worked for us so far..

1. communication

this one is really easy for hamilton, not so much for me. he is so honest with how he feels and what he believes will make him happy. i'm honest about those things, but it's like pulling teeth trying to get it out of me! he's a trooper though. he helps me all that he can.

2. weekly date night

thursday night is date night. it's the one night a week we have to put our problems and stress aside and focus on each other. sometimes our dates fall through and we settle for just watching some netflix, which is still just fine! and sometimes work or school gets in the way of our date night, but when that happens we try to reschedule it for another day and if we cant, we try to just watch a movie or do something small.

3. serve each other

hamilton will do anything i ask. he rarely ever complains. i ask for back rubs allllll the time. i ask him to get me water, and he always gets it for me, even if he just sat down and got all comfortable. never a complain. i try to do the same for him. the back scratches, the little errands and favors. bringing him his keys when he gets locked out of his car. whatever the other person needs, we are always there.

4. love unconditionally and always
this seems easy and like something that should be a given, especially if you're going to marry this person! but in the heat of a moment or during arguments it can be easy to forget those feelings. if it feels like one is doing more work than the other, then it could get in the way and feelings of resentment and anger and bitterness could start coming up. it's kind of inevitable that those feelings will come up at some point and that one will do more work than the other at some point in time; but, it's important to let go of that and go back up to #1 and communicate about how you're feeling. we don't expect too much of each other and we don't have unrealistic expectations (or we're trying not to).

5. having "safe" words
this may seem kind of silly, but it works. it's something new that we're doing. when we're arguing and things get too heated and we start to speak out of anger, we say our word and we have to stop. it seems like maybe things wont get resolved this way, but it gives us each time to cool down and think rationally again. then we revisit whatever it was we were upset about and try to work it out more calmly.


getting married is wonderful, the idea of it seems perfect, but it isn't. it can be hard work sometimes. merging together two lives takes a little work and some patience. these things have really been able to help us and i have so much confidence in our relationship. i know that we will argue at times and we will get frustrated but we love each other. we know how we work and we know what we need to do to calm things down and work through the tough times.
there are plenty of roses and butterflies in marriage, there are some storms and clouds, but there is always a rainbow after the rain.
we don't fight or argue a lot, but after we do and we make up, i always fall even more in love with him.

being engaged is hard because i'm ready to just be married - no other reason. marriage is exciting and i can't wait to begin this new chapter of my life as a birkeland!

only 63 more days until eternity!

xoxo

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lately

i've been thinking a lot lately..uh oh..and i am just so thankful for the gospel. my life has hit quite a few big bumps in the last year. if i didn't have the gospel i don't know what would have happened or how i would have reacted.
i know that having the knowledge i do and especially being able to go to the temple helps me so much. there are a few times where i know i would have strayed from the straight and narrow, and i would've strayed far. if i wasn't temple worthy, i can guarantee that i would have done those things, but knowing that i could go to the Lord's house at anytime is what saved me from doing those things. it was a personal struggle on top of all the other things that were going on. i am just so grateful for my friends both the ones who are members and the ones who aren't. i can honestly say that i don't know where i would be without them.
lately i feel like i'm coming undone. i don't know why or what triggered it. i've been so happy and grateful. but recently i just am not feeling that way. i'm more emotionally unstable and my eating problems are coming back, not too much, but they're there. i haven't had those problems in almost a year. i don't know what is triggering these feelings and thoughts, but i just know that i have to push through. i make sure to tell someone, so obviously i decided to tell hamilton and he doesn't really know what to do, but he knows, so he can talk to me about it and see how i'm really doing.
the gospel can help us overcome anything and everything. i know that these trials and hard times are tests. it is Heavenly Father's way of testing me and telling me that i need to do some growing. i can't get lazy with scripture study and daily prayer. which i most definitely have lately. that's the way it works. as soon as i stop doing what i need to be doing, i hit a trial, hard. not always, sometimes i hit trials when i'm doing everything i need to and when i'm trying my best. but Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. His plan is always the best. and trials just happen to be part of that plan.
sometimes i just feel like i don't know what to do or where to start to try and feel better. i don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me feel better, and i don't think i've ever really done that. i try to be independent, too independent. i shut down from everyone around me and don't talk to anyone and it's bad for me but also for my relationships. i get scared i don't want my problems to be belittled or get told that they're stupid. i'm scared of getting hurt. but i know it's an irrational fear, most of the time. i need to let go of that and talk to people. i hurt myself by bottling everything up.

but anyways, i am so happy that this church is true, i know that it is! and it is not a place for perfect people, it is for imperfect people trying to better themselves. no one is perfect but we are trying and that's what is important. i am so happy to have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me more than i could ever comprehend no matter what mistakes i may make. and i am so grateful and happy to have Jesus Christ as my savior. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to repent and be forgiven. i wouldn't be able to live with Heavenly Father again after this life.
i am so happy and grateful for the church leaders that help me and are so willing to do anything to help me with anything that may be going on.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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currently...

currently - supposed to be writing my humanities essay/project. that just doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. when's it due? tomorrow in class. will i have time to finish it by then? sure, if i don't sleep. i have work at 5, so i may just skip the sleeping thing tonight. i don't know why, i just can't seem to focus. oh well.

yesterday was my dad's birthday. he would have been 65. i woke up at 9 to get ready for my yoga class. it kind of slipped my mind, until i was in the car driving to campus. it takes me about 35 minutes to get there, so that gives me plenty of thinking time. by the time i got there, i was just not very happy. it was the first real event that happened since he has been gone.
and if you've ever taken a yoga class, you know that the last 5-10 minutes is just straight meditating and time for deep thought.
my teacher is very spiritual and talks to us during meditation and it just brings out so many emotions. i remember laying on my mat. on my back. arms at my sides. palms up. shoulders down. deep breathing. all these thoughts were popping into my mind and i may have had a few tears roll down my cheeks. i just remember thinking i couldn't do it. i couldn't go to my other classes. i couldn't get through this day. i just had to go home and stay in bed all day. that's all i could imagine doing. but the word can't isn't allowed in yoga either. so i pushed those thoughts out of my mind and started telling myself that i could. i am strong, i can get through this. it's okay to struggle. it's going to be hard. i miss him. and it's hard. there's nothing that can make it any easier. but that's okay. it's okay. i'm allowed to have a hard time.
so all this was going through my mind while i was laying there. then my mind just went blank. i stopped thinking all together. it was the strangest, most comforting thing ever. i didn't know what happened but i knew that by telling myself i could do it, i was given the strength to do so.
i went to all my classes, and it wasn't the easiest day. it was really hard actually. but i got through it.
i went to hamilton's after and he had freshly baked cookies, one in the shape of a J waiting for me on the counter. he knew it was a hard day and wanted to do what he could to help. < little did he know that i was going to ask if we could make cookies. it's like he read my mind  > anyways, i stayed and had dinner with him and his family, and then we had fhe all together. i was grumpy and got a little fussy with him during it. but he handled it like a champ, and for that. i am just so grateful.

i feel so blessed for the people i have in my life. my friends are so wonderful to me. they do what they can to make sure i'm okay. hamilton is so great and i feel so blessed to have him. he makes me want to be the best i can be and he really just helps me so much more than he will ever know. and my family. they are my support and i know they are always there for me to lean on. i am so grateful for each person in my life and don't know what i would do without them!

 i just love him so :)

 doesn't he look like the happiest man you've ever met? that's because he was. always.

and today is my hippie parents anniversary. 36 years. the love they shared was so amazing. it is something i pray to have with the person i marry. they have had some of the hardest trials, but have always put their marriage first and gotten through everything together. they were a single unit and i will always strive to be like them.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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m i a

i've been a little mia the past few weeks..sorry.

so much has been going on though. 

i had classes, i work, and i've had a lot of family stuff goin on. i'm totally slackin' in the 'writing/blogging' department. but oh well, i'll catch up eventually.

my dad died june 30th, so it's been a really rough month. i haven't written anything since and i'm not really sure what to even write about. i know that i should be happy just because i know that i'll be with him again eventually, and he isn't in pain anymore, which i am happy about. but i'm just having a really hard time with it and i just don't ever feel like doing anything. nothing has ever effected me this much before, or in this way. we were so close and it's just hard to imagine not being able to talk to him anymore.

i went home for the first time since the funeral, and it definitely was not easy  i just kept imagining him walking out of the room and talking to my mom and me, but it never happened. it was the first time i really talked about him since it happened. i got home at around 12 am, and my mom was still awake. so we just hung out and talked until about 2 am, and i really needed that. it was a lot of talking and crying, but also a lot of reminiscing and laughter. death is always sad, but it always makes me forget the bad times and only remember the best times.

so i guess that's really all that has been going on, but that's plenty.

 >> excuse how fat i look here..

picture overload #sorrynotsorry..

my parents are the best and coolest, obvi. I couldn't have asked for better ones even if i wanted to.

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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self worth

often times, we don't give ourselves enough credit. 
we are beautifully, wonderfully, and fearfully made. { Psalm 139: 14 }
God doesn't make mistakes. no, we aren't perfect, but we are perfectly imperfect. 
Heavenly Father does not expect us to be perfect, but he does expect us to try our hardest. i know that i haven't always given myself enough credit, i haven't always thought i was worthy or good enough. 
we are our worst critics, which is good and bad. it's good to be aware of the things we need to work on, but it is not okay to tear ourselves down for every little thing. 
i do it so much, and i really need to stop. 

and it's the same in our relationships. if we don't treat ourselves with respect and love, how can we expect other people to? we really can't get mad at people for not giving us the things we don't give ourselves. 
this is something that i have had the hardest time with. 
way too often, i feel like i'm the one who cares more. i'm the one who loves more. and it is great to care for and love everyone. but when we put ourselves through that, being the one that cares more, we are only going to get hurt. 
it isn't okay to be someone's convenience. it's also okay to not be someones first priority. 

i have been able to truly focus on bettering myself and i feel that i have grown so much in the past few months. i have my priorities in the right places. i am able to love myself and see my own worth. i am a catch, i am a good friend, i am a beautiful person. i know that my Heavenly Father loves me dearly. i know what i deserve, and i am not going to settle.

there comes a point in our lives when we need to get rid of the people who bring us down, no matter how hard it is. we need to get rid of the people who don't give us enough of the respect, time, love, and anything else that we need and deserve.
it's like that christina perri song, we are only human and there's only so much we can take. we are fragile, we can only bend so far backwards until we break. we can't be someone's punching bag, and we can't just be there when they need us. it needs to be a two way street. 
relationships { friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, family } take work, from both sides. if one person is trying harder, it will never work, and that person will be absolutely miserable. they will constantly be thinking and asking themselves what they're doing wrong! why doesn't that person, whoever it may be, care about them as much? when in reality, it is not their fault at all. it just isn't the right relationship for either person. one isn't ready, and one is too willing. relationships are hard, but they don't have to be. we make them far more complicated then they need to be.

*i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression from all this though. i try my very best to love everyone, but there is a difference between loving and caring for them as people, and just letting them walk all over you. it is absolutely okay to not be friends with people you once were, it is not okay for you to hate and resent them. we must forgive as Christ forgave, and love as Christ loves.
Heavenly Father expects quite a bit from us, and i don't know about you, but i don't want to let Him down any more than i already have!

Colossians 3:12   Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long-suffering;

13  Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.

14  And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.

15  And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body: and be ye thankful.

i didn't know my worth until recently, and to be honest, i still have a hard time seeing it at times. but that's okay, it's a work in progress. if other people can't see it, then that is their loss, not mine. it is actually my gain. i don't need people who don't see my potential. i need people who are going to uplift and help me stay on the path i am on. i need people who will push me, but love me when i fail. i need tough love, but not too tough. and i know that people aren't perfect, but i also know what kind of people i do and don't need in my life.

it can be really hard to try and let those people go. you grow fond of them, you build bonds and learn to love them. the more you get to know someone, the more you start to care. it can be scary and hard to let people go, but i can promise you that if you can be strong and let go of those people who aren't giving you the respect and love you need, you will be so much happier. sometimes we need to be selfish. it isn't a sin and it isn't bad. it is important to let go and get rid of anything that weighs you down and isn't helping you.

find friends who have the same goals. people who are on the right path. people who will uplift and help you. find those people who will truly have good intentions.

keep your eyes open, you never know who will pop into your life. 

Proverbs 13: 20  He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. 

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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patience: a precious and rare virtue

so, i'm starting this new thing. every month, i'm going to try and work on something new.
i've been trying to work on kindness lately, so i decided to just start fresh, since it's a new month and all.

patience.

i really do struggle with this, quite a bit. how much i struggle depends on what it's about and what it is that i'm doing/waiting for. 
life can be hard, and at times, overwhelming. it doesn't always seem fair, but life isn't really supposed to be fair or easy. we are constantly growing and trying to be better, so of course it isn't going to be a breeze.

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?" -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

there is so much going on around us, all the time. 

in today's world, it shouldn't be too hard to be patient because there is always something to distract us or something else we can be focusing on. but at the same time, we live in a world where everything is at our fingertips. it is so easy to have access to almost anything, instantly: internet, friends (Facebook, instagram, twitter, texting), books, tv, music, amazon..pretty much anything and everything we want is just a click away. everything is becoming electronic. there are ebooks, which i hate, and netflix, and there's pretty much an app for anything you can think of. and because of all this "convenience," we get impatient by the smallest of things.

>>waiting in line at the store

>>waiting at red lights

>>not being connected to wifi

>>waiting for food at a restaurant

>>having to wait a few minutes for something to load, either on your phone, computer, or tablet

>>basically anything that we can't get instantly

it is pretty sad that we have this "i need it, and i need it now" mentality.

it is not realistic, not in the slightest. almost anything worth having and worth working for, takes time and effort.

-a relationship. if you want it to work out, it will not always be easy. you have to work for it, you have to truly want it. you have to be willing to make some changes and willing to work with each other. there must be patience on both sides; otherwise, it will never work. if you want someone to be patient with you, you must return that same patience. and, of course, if you want something to last forever, you must treat it differently.

-being successful in work, or any business related pursuit. you almost always have to work your way up. you don't just wake up CEO of the company you're working for. or in my case, you don't wake up a best selling author, or a photographer that everyone knows. it takes time. you need to have patience with yourself. spend time making yourself better. make improvements. don't expect it to all work out overnight. hard work pays off.

-getting back in shape. you will not be skinny or have a beach body after one week. you need to keep it up! fight for it. work for what you want. don't get too frustrated. you won't see results, and neither will anyone else, for at the very least, 4 weeks.

it's okay if you don't see progress right away. keep pushing. keep working towards your goals. one day, it will all pay off. life has a funny way of working out. 

if we could all have the "His will, not mine" mentality, the world would be so much better off. i do try my very best to remember that. i may have to force that into my head, but i always remind myself when i'm praying. 

sometimes the Lord has us wait for things, not to punish us, but so we can realize that it wasn't right for us, or so we can be even more grateful and appreciative of it, when we do get it.

lately, there has just been so much going wrong. family troubles, no luck trying to find a job, no luck with the apartment search, having to go to the police with fraud. it just seems like as soon as everything is going well, everything starts to tumble down around me. and that is when our patience is tested the most. 

not our patience with worldly things but our patience with God, and mostly, His timing.

i often wonder why things happen the way they do, and in the order they do. but once i have time to reflect and really think deeply about what's happened, i realize that i wouldn't have it any other way. the Lord's timing really is perfect. His way is so much better than my way. even though it seems like He is dragging me, kicking and screaming at times, when i look back, i see how much i've grown and how much stronger i have gotten. and then, i am entirely grateful. 

i love my trials, as odd as that may seem. they have shaped me into the person i am today. they have made me independent and strong. they make me have a sense of reality and peace. 

and even though each trial gets just a little harder, i am able to have a sense of peace and calmness; because, i know that Heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for me. when i do my best to follow Him, He never leads me astray. He is always right beside me. He guides me down the straight and narrow, as long as i am doing my part.

and i know that He does this with each and every one of us. we are His children, and He wants us to come home to Him again, one day. He loves us all so dearly. it is impossible to comprehend. 

someone once told me that the reason God gives us trials is not to punish us, but because we have been doing so well, and following Him so greatly, that He has to give us trials so we can grow even more and just get stronger and gain a deeper testimony. 

which, once i really thought about it, is entirely true. if we didn't have trials, or rough patches, we would just be cruisin' through life. and that isn't what this life is about. it is about growing and learning and trying to be as Christlike as we possibly can. and if we weren't tested, that would be completely impossible.

- God won't take away our burdens, but He will give us the strength to carry them ourselves, without being weighed down. 

Romans 5:3  ...but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope.

i know i already said this, but i just want to emphasize.

our trials make us stronger! they make us who we are! without them, we would never be able to grow and progress. 

life can suck sometimes, but, duhh, we think that because we let ourselves. 

part of patience is being positive. we can be patient, but if we are complaining the whole way, and dragging our heels, that kind of defeats the whole purpose.

instead, try to be happy, enjoy the wait { as much as possible } and do other things that make you happy while you're waiting. 

and patience is far more than waiting..we must actively wait and actively endure. 

in reality, impatience is selfishness. 

patience is letting go of yourself, and letting God take the wheel. and that can be hard, and really scary sometimes because we don't always know where He is taking us.

but it really can't be anywhere bad. He is our loving Heavenly Father and His plan for each of us is wonderful. and it may not be our plan, but it is always 100000x better. 

patience and trust go hand in hand a lot of the time.

think of how patient the Lord is with us, we can try a little harder to be patience, both with Him, and His children.

the effort is what really counts, just make the effort. do it.

xoxo,

jacquelyn 

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i have some splainin' to do...

the past few weeks there has been a lot on my mind. i've been trying to get all my mission stuff together, spending time with my family, with my friends, and just trying to do my own thing.
i kept praying and studying my scriptures, obviously, just trying to gain a deeper testimony and more knowledge for myself, and for when i go on my mission. and as i would pray, i would lose myself in my prayers and i would start praying for things that i wasn't even thinking about. like being a mom, having a family, going to college, getting a job.
i started to get a little freaked out. that isn't what i was supposed to be worrying about or focusing on.
so, i continued to just push those thoughts out of my head.
i had the typical, "should i go on a mission?" thoughts. but i figured satan was just getting in my head. i went to the temple and just prayed, harder than i ever had before.
Heavenly Father, what is your plan for me? do i go on a mission? or do i stay home, get an education, and prepare to have a family of my own?

i didn't get my answer that day, but when i opened the scriptures, i opened to two different ones..one was about putting all your trust in The Lord, and the other was Proverbs 31. which just talks about how a woman should be, and what i need to be striving to be.

i kept praying and reading scriptures. then i read my patriarchal blessing...

i got my answer loud and clear. a mission is not in my cards.
i went back to the temple for confirmation of my answer. and i received it.

i had been so excited for my mission! i couldn't wait to go! i wanted to teach the people of australia all about the gospel and show them the joy that i have been able to feel.
but it isn't God's plan for me. and that's okay.

i don't know what His plan is for me, but i will know eventually. i don't need to know right this moment. i just have to trust Him, and i'm trying my best to do that.
i know His plan is going to make me so much happier and that, no matter what anyone thinks, i am doing the right thing.

just because my plan is different, doesn't make me any less of a person. just because i won't be serving a mission, does not mean i "just got cold feet," or that i don't love my Savior. it simply means i have been sensitive to the spirit, and that i am trying to follow the path that is being laid for me.

i know that i am doing the right thing, and i know it will make me so happy. my plan is special, because it is mine.

i am so excited to find out what is in store for me!


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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trust

sometimes, life can get the best of us. it is so hard. i feel like i just can't handle it or do it anymore. it's just so overwhelming.
so much is going on, and it is difficult to even think. i don't know.

all i know is that Heavenly Father will always be there for us. He is the one person who is always listening. it is hard to receive our answer, sometimes, but if we are able to listen closely, it is possible. we have to read our scriptures to get our answers.

even when it feels like my whole world is crashing down around me, i can feel peace and comfort { most of the time }.
it is so important for us to understand that Heavenly Father's plan for us, is not always our plan. but His plan is always better.

trust is the biggest factor in our relationship with Heavenly Father. we have to trust Him 100%. all the time and with every question we ask and decision we make.
recently, i've had to make some really hard, and really large life decisions. it wasn't easy, and it wasn't a quick answer. i had to work to find my answer. i had to put in effort. and i didn't really like the answers i was getting, but i just had to have faith and trust. i know that if it's His will, He will pull me through it.
God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. right now, i feel like i can't handle anymore...but i know that there is always rain before the rainbow. it is hard for me to remember that some { a lot } of the time, but that's okay. i read my scriptures and pray and go to the temple as much as i can. i know that through those things, through my efforts, the Lord will meet me in the middle and give me the answers i am seeking.

Mark 9:23 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

xoxo,

jacquelyn

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#ldsconf

oh my goodness! where do i even start?
conference is always amazing and truly speaks to us all in different ways! it is crazy how it seems like they are speaking only to me, specifically, at times.
if you have no clue what i'm talking about, i suggest you click here. i promise, you won't be disappointed.
the prophet, apostles, and other general authorities are so wonderful. it is amazing how each and every talk is different; yet, somehow, they all come together! i am happy to say i watched every single session. women's, priesthood, and of course the regular saturday and sunday sessions.
just because you aren't a women or a priesthood holder, absolutely does not mean you can't get something out of every session. there is always something that applies to us all.

President Uchtdorf's talk was spot on. it was everything i needed to hear and then some. it answered every question i had and is something i really needed help with.
gratefulness. that word is sometimes hard to understand, and sometimes seems impossible. it seems like the biggest word in the world at times.
but i know it is a simple thing that everyone could really work on.
each and everyday has some sort of challenge within it that we must overcome. sometimes it is so small, we don't even realize it. other times, it seems like our world could come crashing down at any time.

lately, my life has been more on the side of crashing down around me..
so many things are going on. there is so much i need to do. i feel like the bad news just never stops coming. i get insecure with my decisions. family problems seem to just be getting worse. i just feel sad all the time. my mom is putting so much pressure on me. i feel like i'm failing my parents. i'm always everyone else's shoulder to cry on. why can't someone be mine?

despite all those things, there are always things to be grateful for..
i'm healthy. i have a loving Heavenly Father. bad news and trials will make me stronger. there is always rain before a rainbow. blessings come from being faithful through trials. these things will make me stronger. my family is close enough that we can all be there for each other. being sad is a choice - choose happiness. my mom putting pressure on me means she is trusting me. my parents will always love me. people trust me enough to be their shoulder to cry on. i am a beautiful daughter of a King whose love will never fail me.

life is about perspective. if we have a negative attitude and just an all around bad attitude, we really won't get anywhere.
but if we are able to understand that God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, than we will be able to make it through anything. we have to be grateful for our trials and heartaches. without those things, we wouldn't be able to get stronger, we would be able to progress.
this life is about progression, without it, where would we be? where would we be going? would we be the people we are now?
i highly doubt it.

we have to try and remember that we are His sheep. He will always leave the 99 to find just one. we are that important to Him. He is the most loving and perfect and wonderful Father we could ever ask for. Matthew 18: 12-13. read it.

just a few of my favorite quotes from conference (they are not all word for word)
>> is it worth it to take a stand? yes, it is. -Holland
>> flow true righteousness. -Holland
>> act on your beliefs. -Amado
>> change our wants and desires - and be humble enough to ask for help! -Reeves
>> God expects us to follow His commandments no matter what the world says. -Anderson
>> sometimes you must stand alone. -Anderson
>> our duties may be difficult, but that's because we are aiming for eternity. -Eyring
>> faith is the antidote of fear. -Nelson
>> live your religion - be securely tied to God. -Nelson
>> one thing to make life even sweeter - even joyful - is being grateful. -Uchtdorf
>> gratitude is a way of life. -Uchtdorf
>> we resist endings because we are eternal beings. -Uchtdorf
>> the gospel is not weights - it is wings - it carries us through. -Sister Stevens
>> the atonement makes up for our mistakes, but don't abuse it. -Stevenson
>> make your faith so strong that you won't hesitate to drop everything in service. -Walker
>> recognize when you have enough - you don't need the newest and latest. -Teh
>> don't have hard feelings toward God. -Teh

i missed the last talk and President Monson's talk. but i am so excited to watch them!

it is really important for us all to remember the words of our past and present prophets. they are here to help us. they are our source for knowledge and goodness.
they may be quite a bit older, but they understand the trouble and temptation we are faced with. they love us and want us to do our best in this life.

i encourage everyone - member or not- to listen to just one of these talks. they are beautifully worded, and i can guarantee that you will get something out of it.


xoxo,

jacquelyn 

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fathers and daughters and family

let me tell you about my #1 fan..
papa knowles, father, dad, daddy, Ron, Ronald..all names of my very funny, loving, and accepting dad.
some people say that superman, spiderman, ironman, or hulk are their super heroes..well that is not the case with me. mine is my dad. i really love him so much.
growing up, we went on the boat almost everyday, just me and him. once in awhile, one or a few of my brothers would come with us. but most of the time, it was just us.
>> i remember the first time he let me go out without my lifejacket. i felt so grown up. i was only 6 or 7, but to me, i was beginning to be like a grown up. i didn't need it anymore; i could swim just fine all by myself.
>> i remember the time i hooked, what seemed to be, a huge fish! he started the boat and drove forward, while i tried to reel it in. my little arms couldn't handle the big fish on my own, but he thought i could do it. he had faith in me. he believed in me. and even though i didn't catch the fish, he still loved me and told me it was okay.

these are all small and simple things, but to me, they are my childhood, my memories, my most cherished times. i love my family more than anything and i don't know what i would do without any of them. especially my parents.
the most touching, special, sad, crazy, and intense moment i had with him was sometime in october of 2002.
>> i remember walking through the front room and my dad was sitting on the bench with a few of my brothers. he was drinking a beer. the house was so sad and i never knew what to say. Satch, my brother, had only been dead for a few days/weeks. and my dad called me over and sat me on his lap. he looked at me and told me that i was the only reason he could smile, i was the light in the middle of all this darkness.
as an eight year old, i had no clue what the heck to say. i was barely grasping the fact that my brother was gone. but somehow, that memory has stuck with me this long. i remember it quite often.

^i don't think i've seen a happier picture of either of them

i know that my dad loves me, he shows me in all the things he does for me. i may not always agree with it, but i know he does what he does because it's best for me.

when i was thinking about serving a mission, my dad wasn't upset because it was a "mormon" mission, he wasn't upset for any reason at all. he was happy that i included him in my decision making process. he was happy that i had enough respect to ask him and talk to him about it before i actually made the decision.
that is the kind of father he is. he loves me. so much. and he is proud of me for making good choices, he may not always say it, but he shows it. he is my number one fan. he's been to every piano recital, all of my end of the year ballet recital { he may complain about the price, but he'll always pay extra to sit front row }, he has witness all of my winning catches (talking about fishing and such), he's the first one to tell my if he doesn't like a friend or boyfriend, he always makes sure i'm taken care of, and he won't hesitate to tell me if my shorts are too short, shirt is too low, or if he likes what i'm wearing.
he has taught me that family is everything. it's important to provide for your family. it is important to work together with your family. family. is. everything.

i could not be more proud to call Ronald Louis Knowles my father. no matter what happens, he will always be my number 1 and i know that i will be his.

my dad is the best, he's better than the rest. and there's nothing anyone can do about that.

i truly have been blessed with the most loving, kind, tender, sweet, amazing, and wonderful parents anyone could ever ask for. my family has definitely had it's fair share of trials, but somehow we pull through stronger than before. no, we are not ideal, but it works. no, we aren't all as close as i would like, but i know i can turn to either of my parents or any of my brothers at anytime, and they will be by my side in a heartbeat.
we sacrifice, forgive, forget, learn to love, learn to trust, and most importantly are there for each other no matter what. we are a family. and that is what really matters.
i would do anything for any of them and it is just such a beautiful thing. God has blessed us all with each other. He knew that despite everything, we could learn to love each other. He placed us all together so we could test each other, and learn from each other. He knows exactly why we're family, and there is a reason for it.
i'm proud to call this crazy bunch my family. they're my life and my heart. no matter what anyone says; they can never take that away from any of us.


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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a whole year

March 3rd, 2013. wow, that day was scary/intense/the greatest day ever, to say the least!
looking back it honestly seems so silly. i remember i had to sneak out of my house and have Sonny pick me up, to take me to church, because my mom took my keys. my parents [ mostly mom ] did everything they could to prevent it from happening. but i knew that this is true and i knew it was exactly what i needed to do.
i can't believe it's been a whole year since that day! it's crazy to see how far i've come! 
>> i entered the waters exactly one year ago. 
and i can honestly say, it is one of the greatest decisions i've ever made. it was also one of the hardest. it was so easy once i knew it was true, but it was so hard once i told my parents. they hated the idea of me being mormon. 
i got every reason in the book. it was a cult. they still believe in polygamy. they don't honor Mary or the saints. they believe we can all be gods. they're way too secretive. 
i heard it all. and it's funny because none of that is true! but it was hard to explain through the yelling and the tears. 
anyways, i know that i made the right choice, and i also know that i am doing what the Lord needs me to do.

it took me 4 months to learn that the church was true, 4 months to learn enough to know it was the right place for me. when you know, you know. 
i got kicked out of my house a few times, just for a few days at a time though. and i got the cold shoulder from my parents for what seemed like forever. it was so hard and there were some very hurtful things thrown my way. 
but looking back, i laugh. my parents and i have never been closer than we are right now, despite everything that has happened. the Lord works in great ways and most of the time we don't really see it! it is so amazing that he does so much for me! my parents aren't huge fans of the church, but they accept and love me. that is really all i could ask for. my mom is my best friend, and i couldn't imagine having to go through life without her being that. my dad is my number one fan and my biggest supporter, and i don't know what i would do if i ever lost that.

i know that this church is true and i know that i am exactly where i need to be. doing what i need to be doing. 
when i first got baptized, going on a mission was out of the question. but here i am, getting my endowments in 12 days, and going on a mission in 107. i cannot wait. i have never been this excited for something! i know that i'm going where i'm needed and that the things i will be teaching are true! 
it is such a blessing and such a saving grace to know that i am fulfilling God's plan for me.

i love this church and i love that everything fits together. it is all perfect in every way. the church and it's teachings are perfect, the people are not. and that's okay! we're not supposed to be perfect, we're just supposed to try our very hardest to live like Jesus did.

i am eternally grateful to those who helped me get this far, and those who were there for me every step of the way. and especially those who taught me and brought me to the gospel! 
you da best!

>> so grateful for this kid! 

>> one of the greatest days ever!

  >> the day i got my call to go to Australia Sydney South!!


xoxo,

jacquelyn

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